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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| I wish I knew what to make of these eyes that don't just look at me behind closed eyes, but answer my questions with uncanny precision and thought. Sometimes the answers are given without hesitation, and at other times, with great ambivalence. Of late, there has come a new answer. The eyes go around in a circle, I assume indicating, "I don't know." It's a cop-out if I ever heard one. I have heard every different story, from demon to alien...from love to hate. Without a doubt, if not for this 'thing' that is going on in my life, I wouldn't be in the position I am. I'm clean of drugs for the first time in a very long time, and it's because of Angel that relapse is not an option. I keep pondering whose side she is on...good or evil. When I ask her, it is almost always the same answer...evil. And yet, so much good has come to me since she arrived. It makes sense in a way that she would keep up the persona of evil, after all, if I get wind that she is on the side of good (that she is an angel and not a demon) it might jeopardize my sobriety by way of me losing my fear of her if I relapse. The only thing (or so I thought) she does to me that causes me angst since I stopped using drugs is at night when she appears to blow in my mouth as I breathe. A poison to kill me? Yes. Well, it must be a very slow-acting one...and besides, her prediction from early on was that I would end my own life (a call, like every other call she has made in the past, that she has since rescinded). I've been writing/journalling the story from the beginning "Angel"  in the hope that something would be left behind in case she finally found a way to destroy me. Of course, this is fantasy and no amount of words would convince an MD that foul play was responsible for my death.But today, as I lay down in the afternoon before my walk, I closed my eyes and she appeared. This time, however, instead of resisting her, I opened my mouth and allowed her to do whatever she wanted. And this is where it gets interesting. In the past when I was high and Angel and her friends were being intimate with each other, they didn't have sex the way humans would. Their sex organs are located in their mouths and they would appear to kiss...but it was much more than simply kissing. They have extremely long tongues and I assume (I never got to indulge with them because I couldn't touch them nor them me) they used it to stimulate each other. Within a minute or two of allowing her to be close to my mouth, I felt an overpowering sense of arousal. I was wearing shorts and suddenly, it felt like I was going to orgasm. It then stopped and as I looked into her eyes, her eyelids went up and down slowly. I was in disbelief, but it felt so good that I wasn't going to stop what was happening. Waves of pleasure would lift me and would then gently bring me back down...with ever-increasing intensity. After around ten or fifteen minutes, I climaxed. I lay there trying to fathom how it could be. How does an entity that is caused by psychosis have sex with me without any input on my behalf? I guess you could say...lucky me. But the fact is I am more afraid now than I was before this liaison occurred. I thought she had no control over me, but now I realise she has more power over me than ever before. |
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