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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
| All aboard... Yesterday afternoon, I began feeling off. I had a tickle in my throat and there was the feeling that I wasn't quite right. Refusing to allow a little cough and runny nose to hold back my training, I hit the pool and did the full session. Afterwards, I felt better...both physically and psychologically. Things quickly went downhill from there. I had no appetite, so I ate a few pieces of fruit and lay down in front of the TV. The aircon was on and an hour later, I felt a chill go through my entire body. I began to shiver uncontrollably. I needed to be under my doona. My joints started aching as I brushed my teeth and this ache soon spread to my whole body...and then, the headache arrived. I have experienced a migraine headache before when I was playing football. I received a head knock and suffered a concussion. I will never forget that next day...the worst pain I can ever remember. There is no escaping a migraine and my heart goes out to those who regularly suffer from them. I am not well, both mentally and now, physically. I had no Tylenol last night, so I had to grit my teeth and take it. Psychosis always takes advantage of a weakness. When I was coming down from a high, and last night when Angel wouldn't leave me alone. I got little sleep. I cried...I got angry...I moaned and I wanted to die. I told Angel in the morning that I would get poison to end my life...to end both my life and her existence. I did this not as a suicidal pact, but to test and see how she would react....in the hope that the threat would gain me some peace and I could get some sleep. She wasn't keen on the idea, which surprised me because she has always maintained that I would kill myself. Of course, I have no intention of ending my life. I have only just begun to live again after looking after my Mom all that time, and I'll be damned if some imaginary hallucination (or even if she is real) is going to convince me otherwise. It was bad, and as the sun rose, I finally got a few hours of sleep. Having no one to call for help here in Thailand, I had no choice but to get on my bike and go prepare for what I suspected...that I had contracted COVID-19. I put on a mask, got on my bike (I wouldn't take a taxi for fear of being in a confined space with someone which I thought wasn't fair), went to the store and parked my bike. I then walked to the local private hospital a few minutes away and made an appointment to see a doctor about receiving treatment for my psychosis. I go back on the 11th of May, and hopefully, I will be given a medication that will help relieve my symptoms. I returned to the store and bought enough groceries to last me for at least ten days, picking up a RAT and two packs of Tylenol to confirm and help relieve the aches and fever. The test came back positive for COVID-19. Luckily in the past, I have received four inoculations, and even though I wouldn't be considered up to date, I imagine this has lessened the impact. I would hate to have to deal with the symptoms without my body recognising the pathogen and fighting it as best it can. It is also fortunate that I am very comfortable being on my own. Yes, I feel a bit glum once in a while, and these hallucinations, whilst being detrimental to me overall, mean I am never truly alone...any port in a storm, so to speak. I understand this is not the most healthy way to deal with the situation and I should try to ignore these entities completely in the hope they will fade away. But analysing why these apparitions persist may come down to a combination of things. Loneliness can cause psychotic events, and given my heavy use of methamphetamines over a long period, combined to create a train wreck that was bound to happen sooner or later. I could guzzle tears and feel sorry for myself at how unfair life is, but at least I am not suffering from the classic symptoms of schizophrenia. No voices in my head and it mostly affects me at night when I close my eyes...or during the day if I am angry and take it out on Angel or lonely and want someone to talk to. I still have a strange feeling when it comes to her. She promised me misery and despair, and yet, hasn't once caused me any harm. She might be an evil demon (as she insists she is...although she is a terrible liar and I doubt this is the case), but if she is, she has done a lot of good for me. I don't know if I will ever be rid of her completely. Medication will mask her presence, but I cannot help but think she needs to hang around just in case I ever relapse...which is something I am more terrified of (facing her coming down) than anything else. Even death would be better than that. Ten days? I can do that standing on my head. It's going to have its moments, but even if I wasn't in isolation, I would still have challenges to face. TOOT TOOT... |
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