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Things I find myself only able to express in words and in this journal - welcome! |
| The entire time I have been at home with my parents, I've paid closer attention to their conversations, I've thought about them more. Between what they say and how they act. Between what they expect of themselves and what they expect of me. It's insane. Last Thursday, Manda said somethings to me and they hurt, they bothered me, and they upset me. But, it was important that they did that. It was important that they broke into me like they did. Last night, she voiced her doubt at me escaping my worst fear. My worst fear? It's simple... my parent's control. I fear living with them when I'm 30. I fear allowing them to control where I go and what I do with my life. I have always feared this. Since I was young enough to realize it's what I don't want. You fear the things that you realize could happen. If it can't happen, then there's no need to fear it. They're hypocritical. They only care about their family when it's convient for them. Or when their family is doing what they want them to do. They come into my grandmother's life, their friends life, and they try to boss them around. They did it yesterday with a family friend. Made her feel stupid, I know. Treated her like she was 5 years old. She's older than they are. They accuse me of doing this. They get angry at me for treating them the way that they've taught me to act towards our other family members. They want me to rever them as being so important and worthy of love. I have abused my relationship with Manda. That's cold hard truth. I took advantage of her willingness to stand beside me when they destroyed me. Her willingness and love to help me put together the pieces after they shattered me with what they had to say. I let their words effect me so much so... and ignored hers, for so long. Her words of love and encouragement, I ignored. I paid attention to their words that tore me down and I gave them the consent to make me feel inferior because of this. I hurt her, so badly. Her heart was so full and ready to love me. And I was a fool. I told her so many times that I was going to change, or stop, or I did something silly and minute to get her to accept my apology. She doesn't believe me now. I cannot blame her. I wouldn't believe me either. My words are useless to her. She's mad at me for mistreating her and she should be. I have so much strength that I don't use, that I let be taken away from me. I have such a determination and I know how to use it, but I've only done it in one area. School... that's where. I am intelligent enough to pull off something as impressive as I have there.... then I am intelligent and determined enough to handle this. To deal with this, all of it. And to emerge from it, as my own person. For the past week, I finally feel like I can see clearly. I have messed up so much and all that's left to wonder if I'm too late. "The truth isn't always beautiful but the hunger for it is." - Nadine Gordimer |
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