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 |  My son's recovery from severe abuse and the horrors of Attachment Disorder |
February 20, 2008 I wanted to share something that happened last night that I think was a really good learning experience for my son. Tony learned a valuable lesson last night. He has a problem with stealing, which is a classic symptom of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Last night, at about 8:00, our doorbell rang. It was Tony's little friend Vincent and Vincent's big brother. They had come to get the Play Station game that Tony had stolen from their home earlier yesterday. They were very polite and simply stated what they had come for. Tony had run to our bedroom and locked the door as soon as he heard who was at the door. (Yeah, he gives himself away). I finally convinced him he needed to come out and return the game to his friend. At first, he tried to lie about it because he was scared to death. Finally, he found it and handed it to Vincent and apologized for taking it. After the boys left, I sat down and had a good dialog with Tony. I remembered my Love and Logic CDs and focused on how his choices might affect his life. He was concerned about losing his only good friend. (RAD kids have a great deal of trouble making friends.) I told him that I understood why he would be concerned about that and asked him what he was going to do about it. He didn't know, so I offered some suggestions. I said, "Some kids might just say to Vincent, 'I'm really sorry I did that, and I hope you will forgive me and trust me to come back to visit you.'" He nodded his head in agreement. He cried a little and said, "His mom probably won't let me come back." I agreed that she might have a problem trusting him and, again, asked him how he was going to handle that. We talked about apologizing to her and asking her if she would give him another chance. Then, we talked about why he took the game. He said that Vincent had one of his games, and he wanted to take one of Vincent's games to replace it. I questioned him about the circumstances of Vincent'a having his game. I can't know for sure whether Vince took it, or whether Tony loaned it to him and Vincent wouldn't give it back. In either case, I asked Tony how his decision had worked out for him. He said, "Not too good." We then talked about how Vincent had handled the same situation. "When he discovered that you had taken his game, did he wait until the next time he visited you and then just take a game? No." I went on to say, "How did Vincent handle his problem?" Tony said, "He told his mom, and they came over and got the game back." I said, "How do you think that worked out for him?" He agreed that Vincent had made a better choice. He went on to say, "I'm NEVER going to bring home something that's not mine. I was scared to death that his mom was going to yell at me and be mean to me!" I said, "That's good thinking!" Of course, with his poor impulse control, he may need a few more lessons, but that one definitely had more of an impact on him than yelling at him has done in the past. As if that wasn't enough learning for one day, he still had more learning to do. By this time, it was definitely bedtime for him, so I asked him to put away his Nintendo, give me a good night hug, and go to bed so that he would feel good for school the next morning. Just as polite as he could be, he agreed to put it away "in just a minute." It's hard work using the new dialog, let me tell you. I wanted to demand that he give me the Nintendo. I knew that would only cause him to scream and yell. Instead, I said, "I can see that it's really hard for you to stop playing with your Nintendo, even though you know it's your bedtime." He used all his old tricks, like, "Hang on. I'm just going to save my game." And, "Okay, Mom, I'm going to stop in one minute." He just kept talking, to get me distracted. Instead, I let him know that his words were just a trick he had learned to use so that he could keep playing while we kept talking. I told him I was through talking and that he had a choice—put the Nintendo away himself, right then, and go to bed, or keep playing past his bedtime. If he chose to keep playing, I would have to think of the best way to solve the problem. I walked away, telling him that I needed some time to think about the best way to help him with his problem. I intentionally did not tell him that my method of solving the problem would be to keep his Nintendo for several days. I knew that would trigger a temper tantrum, and, in the end, it would not have improved the situation. He played about 5 more minutes and went to bed thinking that he had won. When he woke up this morning and couldn't find the Nintendo, I merely told him that I was worried about him not getting enough sleep for school. I told him that I understood how hard it can be to stop playing a game when it is time for bed and that maybe he needed to grow up a little more before he would be able to do that. I assured him he would get another chance to show that he was old enough to do that after a while. He tried to use the "Brain Drain" on me, by telling me how unfair I was being, and that he really was going to turn off his Nintendo. I just repeated my previous statement and, again, assured him that he would have another chance, after a while, to show that he was old enough to put away his game at bedtime. Then, I said, "Bye, Sweetie. I hope you have a great day at school!" (Wow! It felt good to win an argument that we never really even had!) I am learning that the reason we have made so little progress over the years, as far as convincing him that we are the boss, is because not trusting adults is one of the major symptoms of RAD. Because the adults in his life did NOT take care of him as an infant and toddler, he has no trust in their authority and no desire to yield to it. In fact, he has spent the last seven years with us trying to show us he is willing to fight to the death to maintain is autonomy. What I am trying to do, now that I understand why this has been such a life or death fight for him, is to first work on our relationship. The book I am reading is teaching me to use cuddle time to create a bond between us and, at the same time, to begin showing him that I am his mother and that mothers know what is best for children. I determine when we have our cuddle time and when it's time to end our cuddle time. He gets no choice about it. I am told to say to him, "I'm your mother, and mothers know what is best for their children. I know when we need to have snuggle time, and I know when we have had enough." It's been really interesting. It is teaching me to show him love and affection, but on MY terms. It stresses the importance of the reassuring love and comfort that he did not get as a small child while, at the same time, making it very clear that I am the one who decides what he needs and when he needs it. It's really like starting over with a small child who has to depend on their parents, literally, for his safety and life itself. Then, once we can repair that damage, we can help him learn to grow the way children should grow. That's why I am spending so much time helping him see the consequences of his behavior in a different way. Not as, "See how mad everyone is because you stole something!" Rather, "How did that affect your life? Was that something that had a good effect or something that caused you problems?" At least, I think I'm on the right track. I feel good about the results, so far. And I feel really good about Tony's new therapist. I think she will work with me to help me improve my skills and to help Tony learn to take responsibility for his behavior. I may end up literally telling my husband to just stay out of the interactions with Tony (kind of like Annie Sullivan had to do with Helen Keller) until he can either learn the technique, or until Tony makes enough improvement to try to bring my husband on board. I just don't have the energy to fight against his misguided tenderheartedness. Warrior Mom |
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