My Journey With Attachment Disorder

A Learning Week

February 27, 2008

Tony was not supposed to have his Nintendo back until Saturday morning. Friday night he got it out of my purse and started playing it. Instead of the way I used to handle it, I told him calmly, “Oh, Tony. Now we have a problem. You took the Nintendo out of my purse. And, you aren’t supposed to have it until Saturday. I want you to think about that problem, and see if you can think of a way to solve that problem. I went about my business for about 5 minutes and then asked him if he had thought of any solutions. He wasn’t too sure he wanted to share his thoughts about the solution, but I explained that if he didn’t know what to do, I would give him some suggestions. He hesitatingly said, “I could put it back in your purse, and then ask for it nicely.” I said, “Yes, you could do that, but that wouldn’t really solve the problem. You aren’t supposed to have it until Saturday. AND, you took it out of my purse without permission. I tell you what: here are your 2 choices. You can put it back in my purse yourself. If you do that, then you will have to keep it there one extra day because you took it without permission. If I have to take it myself, I’ll have to keep it a lot longer than 2 days.” He asked me how long, and I merely said that I would have to give that some thought. The thing is, in about 2 minutes he put it back in my purse and did not touch it again until he had permission on Sunday! Wow, what a huge difference!!!!

Saturday morning Tony and James were arguing. As usual, Tony was demanding something, and James was saying he could not do whatever it was that he had demanded. I stayed out of it and allowed it to play out, to see if either of them had made any progress. Apparently, they both have! I heard Tony walk out the door, and James came into the bedroom and watched out the window to see where he went (without being seen). (Good!) James then went on his original errand in the truck. Of course, when Tony saw the truck leave, he immediately walked back up the street and a came into the house. I asked him what had been going on this morning. He said, "I was bossing Daddy." I said, "Bossing is a really hard thing to stop doing, isn't it!" He agreed. I asked him where he had been. He said he had walked down the street to "cool off". Again, I said, "Good thinking! Taking a walk is a very good way to calm down and think about things." I gave him a high 5 for good thinking. When James got back I asked Tony if there was something he needed to say to James. I "coached" him a little to say, "I'm sorry for bossing you, Daddy. Bossing is a very hard thing to stop doing, and I am practicing learning how to stop bossing my parents." Another learning experience! Every little step in the right direction is a boost for me!

Last night (Tuesday night) we went for Tony's 2nd therapy session with his new therapist. He really soaked in all the good things we had to say about his "learning" week. The therapist is so good. He tried to "confess" a couple of not so great things, but she interrupted him, and said, "Let's enjoy the good things a little while longer, okay?" It was so good to be able to think about the tantrums and late bedtimes as learning experiences instead of "bad things".

Later on, she noticed that he got really bouncy after we had spent a good bit of time being positive about his week. She asked him some things about "feelings". She explored with him different emotions, and helped him find the right words to talk about various emotions and encouraged him to share things that triggered this or that emotion. She cautioned us (parents) to be careful not to let him subconsciously sabotage himself. Many times RAD kids (Reactive Attachment Disorder) will feel so uncomfortable with the emotion of happiness, that they will intenionally (though unconciously) do something to blow it, just so they can get back to the familiar feeling of chaos or pain or anger. I think that's what she was picking up on when he was getting so bouncy in her office. She turned the topic away from the bragging before he had a chance to sabotage himself.

She also helped us think of some ways to help him settle down before bedtime, so that he could get to sleep more easily. Her advice was: no t.v., no games, no active playing within an hour before bedtime. Also, no snacking, except for maybe milk, and/or banana, which have whatever that ingredient is that helps with sleep. She suggested soothing music or ocean waves, as well as reading and some other things. For his "homework" this week, he is going to coninue working on decreasing the bossy behavior, think about things that make him angry (so they can discuss it next time), and work on learning ways to relax before bedtime.

So, good session. Good progress! It feels GOOD! Of course, as we all know, that doesn't mean it's smooth sailing from here on out! As the song says, "We've only just begun!" This therapist is just what we needed, though. She is all about helping Tony accept responsibility for his choices, and deal with the consequences when he makes bad choices.


Warrior Mom

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