Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

Who Am I...Really?

It's been almost two weeks since I used meth, and I have to admit, I feel pretty awesome. Today, I did the double (a workout, followed by thirty minutes of cycling). The lactic acid that caused me a very sleepless night forty-eight hours after the first workout, has dissipated. My strength, although nowhere near the level it was before the last 'relapse' (I've decided that I don't like the word 'relapse' anymore, because it conjures an image of failure...and I didn't fail, I simply chose to use drugs again), is making a comeback. I don't think it will be long (injury free, that is) before I will be back to my old self (whoever that is, that is...lol).

So, the question is...who am I? Am I a junkie who will always turn to drugs whenever things go wrong? Or whenever I just feel like getting high? When I get bored? Tempted? Lured back by friends or dealers? After a lifetime of using drugs, will I know who I am if/when I kick this habit for the long term? Will I even like myself... this person who no longer gets wasted? Who got wasted for whatever and any reason you can put forth.

So many unknowns...and this might be a contributing factor towards why I have never had much success at stopping...fear of the unknown. At least when I am using, I know who I am. I may not always like the person who looks back at me with hollow eyes and a varying degree of despair, but I do understand the place and time and consequences HE must face. Me, without drugs in my life, will be a complete stranger...and I don't trust strangers...at least until they have had time to prove to me they are worthy.