My Life, My History

Shame. Just gonna kill it here with my words.

Scars of Time

You leeched off of my life force,
Stalking my mind,
Burrowing in like a worm
Looking for vulnerabilities
Which I freely displayed
In trust.

In all my naivety I thought I could confide in you
But you spread me apart, took what you desired
And left me naked and barren
Ashamed of myself
Ashamed of my entire being.
Yet,
Throughout it all
I continued to wear
A facade of agreeableness
Singing soft-spoken melodies.
While you invaded my being.

You laughed with your friends at my expense
While I continued to carry you. To care.
I allowed you to take advantage
Because I had not yet healed
From my own traumas.
Wounds so deep and fresh
They were still bleeding.

My pain pouring out onto the floor.
Spilling out all of my insecurities
The pieces of me that had been torn up;
Ripped and shredded and scattered
By those who came before you
Who also violated me.
Who raped my soul and kept on taking
Scraping away at me inside.
Left me in pain.
Burning and full of shame for
just
trying
to
survive.

One of you gave me an empty bottle.
Silent Sam left in a window frame1
You shoved it between my legs as a token of kindness
To cool and soothe the burning pain.
So raw, so exposed.
I felt like I was bleeding
I felt like I was dying inside
And now,
There remain pieces of me
So deeply scarred by time
Yet, still, I carry on.2

Silent Sam reference note:
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Rooming house on Barclay St3 in the West End of downtown Vancouver. 1997.
You know who the fuck you are. Shane V with vitiligo. You and your "proud Aryan blood" and superiority. You fucked up more than just me. You did the same thing to my friend and Lord knows how many others. You were a full grown adult at 27 years of age. We were children.

#writing #Reality #facts #truth #factsmatter

Link to my Instagram for more details.
https://www.instagram.com/p/ClXwi3HrG5x/?igshid=OTJlNzQ0NWM=

**My Instagram post that correlates to this contains screenshots of a text message conversation I had with my aunt. I noted that there was one evening I was passed across the hall to a 28 year old; he was the stunt double for Wil Wheaton from Star Trek:TNG. I can't recall his name, perhaps it was also Will, I am not 100% sure... but I absolutely remember every fucking detail of that disgusting encounter and it still makes me want to fucking vomit.

Why the fuck did you fucking assholes need a 16 year old girl to blow your fucking load in and on? Do you do it for the thrill? Is it a power trip? Or do y'all just like fucking children and babies so much because we're easier to control at that age and less likely to be capable of firmly asserting and expressing ourselves, less likely to speak and voice our discomfort and tell you that we do not want to go along with your sick and twisted fucking fantasies? When we cry throughout the encounter/experience, does it make you feel powerful? Does it make you feel like a big strong fucking man when you fuck children? Does the act of rape and sexual assault make your dick fucking harder and more erect? Do any of you assholes possess even a tiny shred of a fucking conscience?

What the fuck is wrong with you fucking assholes??

Is it just that once we pass the age of 18 years old, we have past our best before date and are no longer of use to you? Why is our world so full of fucking pedophiles? What the fuck is wrong with your demented fucking brains that makes you think it's acceptable to take advantage of children and teens and steal away our fucking innocence? We do not forget. We carry this shit with us for our entire fucking lives! It fucks us up in ways you couldn't even begin to imagine or comprehend, not that you fuckers give two fucking shits about any of that though, do you? We are never the same again after you take advantage of our naivety; how could we ever be or feel the same after such a tragic and dehumanizing experience.

Fuck all you fucking pedophiles and your sick fucking business circle of child porn, sex trafficking, and your fucked up worldwide system of control and subjugation via illegal drugs, alcohol, pharmaceuticals, and other methods such as limiting our employment options, among other things.

Ya know, I don't believe in the death penalty, but I sure would love the chance to beat the fucking tar out of you disgusting fuckers with a professional baseball bat. That would release just a tiny bit of my inner rage. I think it would be so satisfying to beat you within a inch of your fucking life; praying that you might momentarily feel just a little sliver of the pain that we experienced and get to carry around for our whole fucking lives.

And you are most DEFINITELY NOT "minor attracted people" that deserve counseling and kind words. You are nothing but disgusting deviant motherfucking pieces of garbage. You are nothing but utter fucking trash. You don't treat your fucking victims with kindness and you feel zero fucking remorse. You don't fucking deserve kindness and "professional intervention". You deserve to live in fucking squalor and fear for the rest of your miserable existence. You are not human beings; you possess no sense of humanity. You are cold, cruel, and callous creatures.


I would like to further note that I believe the death penalty is far too kind for you assholes. There are many punishments that are far worse than death and y'all definitely deserve to experience some extra special treatment in prison, but not the kind y'all are used to receiving once you get incarcerated (which is oddly rare... hmm... wonder why that might be...) You assholes almost always end up in protective custody after you are convicted and tossed in prison. Guess the "justice" system and the prison system is complacent in the world wide human/child/sex/drug/pharmaceutical manufacturing and trafficking scheme. Y'all just fucking scratchin each others backs so you can keep fucking us up the ass while we're children. Fuck you all. After I die, I'm coming back to haunt you all. That's a fuckin promise.



This Shane muthafucka who fed me Silent Sam vodka & orange juice started off with the creepy "sex" shit by getting me drunk & asking me for a back massage. I was 16 years old & alone in Vancouver, BC with nowhere else to go so I just did as I was asked. That's all that happened at first. Then, he wanted to give me a massage to be "nice" & reciprocate the "kindness". I was uncomfortable with the whole thing, but again, I was alone in the city with nowhere to go so I was too scared to say no. I didn't know anyone in Vancouver other than this "man" & I hadn't been living there long enough to know that there were places I could go to.

Anyhow, the massage quickly moved to him sticking his hands between my crotch, even as I squeezed my legs shut tightly, that didn't matter. He kept pushing & telling me to relax, he wasn't going to do anything. But that was all bullshit. It progressed from there & I just disassociated myself from each experience by staring at the ceiling or elsewhere & just emotionally "removing myself" from the situation. That was the only thing I knew how to do. I had already done it before with traumatic situations as a kid & most of the previous "sexual encounters" I had experienced before. This was not the first time I had squeezed my legs together tight to try & stop things from progressing further with a guy. It never works, at least, it never did for me.

I remember he told me he had previously worked for the porn industry & was trying to get back into it. He bragged about his penis a lot. He had these big metal rings he used to use & told me they made him last longer. It was already painful without them, it burned badly & often felt like something was bleeding inside me, but the metal rings made it even worse. I just wanted it to be over with quickly but it never was, especially with these stupid fucking rings. I remember early on when he started using them it felt like something tore & it was super uncomfortable & it felt like I had blood pouring down my leg from inside. It hurt a lot. I fucking hate him.

Footnotes
1  https://flic.kr/p/2otBByB
2  https://www.instagram.com/reel/CrFhkKgMVVR/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
3  https://flic.kr/p/2otBr6Q