TRUTH Vigilante: Ew, Icky. How Gross?

the impulse action reaction with no intent

can i remember the impulse?
no
sometimes i just leave my body
come back
as if nothing ever happened
i might recall
cringe
wonder what happened to me
where there is moral ambiguity
and justification
as i'm in bloody clothes
eating at the kitchen sink
my cookie
like reward
as a predator
whose only feast
is himself

not plagued by guilt, shame
or other programmed markers
of a PTSD childhood
but regret?

what is my worth
don't know
what is my place
don't ask anymore
what can i do to make a difference
circumvented
not allowed
not trusted
because
impulsive
but do they know that?
do i even know
what i hunger?

it's the game
the game is the thing
and they have so much stacked
on every wall
modified
like duct tape
an my impulses kick in

it's a game
are there victims
besides me?
no empathy, sympathy or pity
need apply
just explain
me to me?


3.31.23

my head is crowning out of something like knowledge, infantile to you.

i swear i'm not a psychopath, but want to be, if it will explain me. somewhere on the spectrum, a hybrid, no one can finger, i hide...from me as well.

A book is coming…I keep telling myself…as all kinds of arbitrary deadlines near & pass…like blaring traffic. So, there’s that.