My True Soul

Friends

Maybe this writing isn't going to do any good, but hey, ya never know til you try, right? I'm going to be a senior in highschool in about 2 days. Yes, I start back to school early. Anyway. I have a great group of friends, well, ok, so I have a problem with trust, but I'm not going to hold that against them. I like my friends, or how we all get along. I mean, we're all kinda misfits I guess. So we're pretty accepting of all. I can get along with anyone. Maybe that's a gift, maybe that's a curse, I'm not sure yet. I think mostly a gift though. But over the last year, especially the last 7 months, my "group" of friends is slowly cracking. I hate seeing it happen. I knew it would, but I was hoping it'd be after our Senior year, ya know, when it naturally cracks because you're all going seperate ways. So, I'm slightly annoyed, frustrated, and pissed.

I myself, well, personally I don't mind being alone. I don't mind only having one good friend. No big deal. But, the thing is, our group has something special. I'm not sure what it is, but it's there. One thing that is getting to me, and I'm sure many of you can relate to this, but is the fact since I do get along with everyone, now that my group is starting to break into smaller groups, guess who gets to hear everything? Yes, me. I have to just be happy and kinda to all of them and it drives me nuts at times.

I can't honestly blame this on one person. But, I swear. It seems that one friend, she either loves to screw with us or she just is so so so self-centered that she doesn't realize what she does. It makes me so mad.

I have so many thoughts and feelings, but I guess in the end, it really doesn't matter... so why am I wasting my time?

I'll tell why. Because I don't wanna see what is happening, happen. My friends are breaking up, that group... it's slowly going. And personally, it's sad. I don't want the last year we're going to be around each other to be awful. We've all messed up and said crap, so, it's time to act like mature people and GET OVER IT! I know that we've all been hurt, even when it seems like we didn't have a part in it. Our last year and the group is fighting. I'm tired of it. I really am. I get to hear them all run their mouths about each other, alright, fine, I don't care, rant to me, it's cool. I don't mind... I'm always willing to listen, but gah it's getting to me. Honesty is what we need, but no one's willing to say anything. Myself included. I have a feeling that if I say anything, they will all get pissed at me, so, guess what? I've refrained. It's sad though. I get around the large group, when we have conflict, nasty stares, whisperings, I get headaches that last for hours unless I take something. I have to listen to one friend whisper things, tell me how annoyed they are by another friend when the "another friend" is LESS than 10 feet away. I want them to see what they have. All of my friends are honestly caring people, excepts for maybe one, and I know they're all good people. I know they could work this out, but it just seems like no one wants to. So, what do ya do?

I'm thinking about writing them all a letter. I haven't decided if I want to change it up or just write them the same letter. Hand it to them on Friday before they leave to go home, drop the others in the mail for the ones who won't be there. And just let them think about what I say. Maybe they'll all get pissed off at me and start talking about me. Oh well, at least they'll be getting along then if they're all talking about me, right?

I'm so irritated and I have a feeling it's just stupid highschool crap. Actually I know it is. Geez, that's another thing about me that annoys me. I know it is crap, but I want so badly for them to get along. =( I've always been told I act older. Maybe I do.


Agh, so, it's past what time I was going to go to bed. I may write again later. G'night!