My True Soul

Cravings

I thought it might be time to write in my journal again. I haven't been doing much lately besides homework, looking up information about colleges, seeing friends off to college, and missing my gf. I finally have my colleges narrowed down some more. My parents just figured out a way to allow for $2,000 more towards my college fund. With that and with the possibilities of scholarship money/loans... I may be able to go to the schools that a few months ago seemed impossible. It's a nice feeling to finally see a way that you may get to attend a dream school. I'll probably be accepted into any college I apply because so far, I am qualified to be. My friend Fetty just left for UAH yesterday. I think he's gonna like it there, but he has some of the typical worries that I'm positive I will have also when this time rolls around next year. *sighs* Finally things are starting to come together for me as far as this department goes. My friends and I are now pretty much split into 2 groups. While it feels weird not to have any connection to my ex best friend, it also feels good. I feel a twinge of guilt by saying that. But honestly, in a way, I feel like it's right and fair. She pushed me away for so many years and now I'm not pushing her away, just simply allowing the times she's pushed me away to remain between us. I have my colleges narrowed down to about 20. My gf has been in my mind for the last couple of weeks. I really miss hearing her and I really miss just her. I don't know why sometimes I can handle not talking to her better. This hasn't been one of those times though. And I crave so badly, but, it's like being able to see something you can't have. Wanting to touch the stars when you know there is no possible way. That's how it feels. After dating someone for a while in a internet relationship after circumstances prevent you from just calling them or them from just calling you and you're only allowed to talk to them at certains times, you develop this strongness that you don't know exisists. And with everytime you don't talk to them, you get tougher and stronger, you learn how to deal, how to survive the cravings for their voice, for their words. You've already learned to survive cravings for their touch. And with this, I've found that sometimes I hide within this toughness and quit feeling. But writhing around below this thick strong skin there are all the feelings of love, passion, and want that I have for her... but they stay below that surface so that I don't fall apart. And you let them come out when you talk to them, you let them play and frolick, and run wild -- rejoice because for that moment in time, there is nothing better than you just talking to the love of your life, there is no need to be strong or tough. So right now, I find myself being strong and staying together, when deep inside me, I want her so bad it's amazing. And not only that, right now I want so badly to KNOW what it's like to hug her, not to just imagine it, but to have memories of hugging her. So baby, I am going to hug you so much when I get the chance and I'm going to hold you so close to me and I'm not letting go. My heart has done this, I don't know if you know, but it's holding onto you and not letting go. My soul, it's combined and it's no longer alone. Now my arms are just waiting for their chance to hold and not let go. It'll come soon I hope. I would count the days and the months, but if I do, no matter how much closer it is now than it was a year ago, it'll never be close enough until it is the day I hold you. Instead, I'm counting til your b-day, then until halloween, then til my b-day and christmas, til our anniversary, then until graduation day... hopefully that'll make time go faster. Love is grand, but love is mean. Love is a lot of things, rolled into one. But I think the main thing is that Love never fails, always prevails. So with saying that. Sarah, if you're reading this... I love you, I'm thinking about you, and I miss you.

As far as other things go in my life... well, that's about it. Honestly, I guess I've had other thoughts, cause I know I've talked about a lot of things lately... but none of them are really coming to mind. The major thing at school has been the gay guy. It was amusing on Friday, group of girls who were my friends in 7th and 8th grade, were talking about homosexuals. One of them, she made me proud of her. Her mother is a Counseling Psychologist with a M.A., primarily deals with relationships, exactly what I want to do, hehe. Anyways, so they're talking about it and she begins to tell about how her Aunt or cousin is a lesbian. They were best friends with her mom and stuff. Her mom didn't have a problem with it, was a lil shocked, but no biggie, and therefore has taught her to be accepting of it. This girl has been around her cousin/aunt, said her cousin/aunt and her partner were living very happily together. Blah blah blah, and one of the other girls in this group asked a pretty common question. "Why aren't they normal and like guys?" The girl who made me proud said the best answer I think I've heard to the question. "For them, it's just natural. They are just as attracted to their sex as we are to the opposite sex. That is normal for them." Then they started talking about how they've never been around anyone that was homosexual and how it'd be kinda interesting. Just thought I'd share that for those of you who may read my journal who do wonder that... I don't know who all reads this besides a couple of my close friends. So, yeah, maybe just rambling. The Saga will continue I'm sure.