My True Soul

No Concentration

I suppose that sometimes people don't think I think as much as I actually do sometimes. Right now, I should be studying Physics, Chemistry, and Adv. Math, but I really don't feel like it. I'd rather talk to my friends and hopefully my gf and write. I cannot sit and concentrate long enough on my stuff to study really. I can't concentrate until I get to school. Or at least that's how it's been the last couple of days. My father has been really ill, saying sarcastic things that really sting and just getting mad at me and my mom for no reason. Of course this was after Sunday when they both acted like children and made me go between them. I was about to leave the store and go sit in my car... wasn't about to be the middle person. I don't know what is wrong with my father. I guess something about where he works, he won't say though. Instead he just acts so grouchy towards us. Great. Yesterday I wanted so badly just to snap back, but I really didn't have it into me to fight. I could have about 5 times though. It was just little stuff and it wasn't what he said, but how he said it. Yes, I notice his tone and stuff, mainly because I am my father's daughter, therefore I do some of the same tones.
We go on, they have something on about gay/lesbian weddings. My mom sarcastically says we should watch that, it's so obvious that she thinks it's so strange. Then my dad gets annoyed about her saying that... even though she's just joking. I'm sitting there biting my tongue once again. Then they start talking about this church they think has mostly gay people attending... yeah, got my interest. So anyway, it's so obvious their feelings about it all in their voice. I really don't know how to explain it to you guys nor do I remember every word they said because by that time I was already annoyed and I didn't wanna snap over that. So I just tried and tried to read my book and find the color symbolism.
My dad kept on poking at me later on when he finally got into a better mood. Right now, I cannot stand for anyone to touch me really. I just, argh. It annoys me so badly and I cannot explain it to you guys how it annoys me so much. It's like your cd skipping and skipping... over and over and making this screeching noise. That's how it feels to me when someone touches me. I had an explanation to why I felt like that. I only know one person who wouldn't make me feel that way and it's really weird if you look at it in the context as she's the only one who HASN'T ever touched me. My skin literally cringes when people touch me now. =/
And about my parents and the gay weddings. You know, I shouldn't let something like that hurt me. I knew that they wouldn't wanna accept it. But no matter how much your mind knows something as pure, hard, cold, depressing fact, deep down in your heart, it wants to believe otherwise and it still clings on to that little bit of hope. Then when that hope gets slashed, it still stings a little bit. Guess this means I have less hope to hold onto though, right?
Tonight when I got home, things were well. Then my father got up and things went down the tubes. He's so ill and grouchy. Just little things, so my mom and I both had discussed how we were tired of him acting the way he has been. So when he got mad and stormed into the den, she walked over and locked him out there. I was happy, lol. Thankfully now he is gone.
One more thing about my father is the fact that he tries to treat me as a grown 43 old adult almost, but I'm not. So when he realizes that, he starts treating me like I'm 12. And when I get annoyed with him treating me like that, he gets all mad at me. Mainly because he thinks that I think that I know everything. I know I do not know everything, or else I'd be able to relate to him as another 43 year old would, but I cannot because I have not had the experience they have. Maybe one day soon he'll realize this also. I'm almost 18, I know, but I haven't been to the real world yet. I'm just hoping I can prepare myself better for it than most kids and some of my friends who do not know the existance of life beyond their own lil sphere of reality. The worst of all... I don't think I have to elaborate... most of you who have ever read my journal probably know. And if you're my friends or Sarah, then you should also know.
Ah, good thing and bad thing all combined into one. Coach Clemmons went off yesterday, it was so beautiful. I have that class with a lot of people in my own grade sadly. They act so horrible. The guy is new, he's fairly new to teaching, he's gotta lotta things he has to learn. But them acting like they do/did, it was just wrong. He told them how stupid they were about discussing the stupid crap that didn't matter, that it wasn't social hour, my gosh, I was proud of him. LoL. Hannah and I were talking about it during Chem, both decided that next time he does that, that our lil side of the institution should get up and walk out because he definitely was not talking to us. Don't get me wrong, he annoys me, but the people in my class annoy me so so much more.
So the next subject has to do with the things experienced during Physics and Chemistry. Farina reminds me of Sarah... not completely... but, yes, some. Just parts of the sense of humor... they coincide. Then the LOTR things, yes, completely there, lol. (Babes, if ONLY you could hear her talk... in fact, we have a LOTR Physics test tomorrow featuring the cave troll AND Leglos... lol) I love Farina to death, favorite teacher ever for sure. So I sit there with Farina talking, making her jokes, explaining her theories about things with her own viewpoint just as Sarah does, just going into this long explaination about things so excitedly but the whole time, it really makes you think. Then at the end, you go "oh yeah, that really really does make sense... gosh... that's really awesome." That's the same way Sarah makes me feel. So, as I was saying, not all things are the same, but some are similar. Then I see Hannah who in another way reminds me of Sarah. But not nearly as much as I once thought now that I've gotten to know Hannah a little better... she's a little... what's the word I'm looking for... well... darn, hold on a second. Conservative? Er anyway, I can explain it very easily with other words. It drives me nuts to be in those classes sometimes cause I want Sarah so badly... but then other times, it helps calm me. Cause when I'm like, well, like the last 2 days... I get to those classes, especially because of Farina, it feels like I can breathe finally. I get in there, I laugh, I think about the love of my life, I start missing her, but I start thinking about days when I won't have to miss her for nearly as long, and it helps me get through the day and that night.

Closing Statement:
Sometimes it is best to bite your tongue, sometimes it is not. You have the power to pick your battles, pick wisely. Remember to keep that hope, because hope is what keeps you going sometimes, even when your mind knows it is false. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that the crap we think is so important, sometimes really truly isn't. And when you want someone so badly, a kinda cool thing to do is to be around people who remind you of them and figure out what you really love about them. And Sarah, it still holds true about you, what I love the most is how "weird" and extraordinary you truly are.

Closing Quote:
"When the fire ants come out with little fire resistant suits on, we have gone TOO far!!" - Farina while talking about how insects are used to raid now and that's why we should torch them with gasoline. "I do not recommed trying to light a match on the sun. This is my advisory warning, right now. Because if you did, not only would you get a big BOOM, but you would be a crispy crispy french fry that'd been left in there FOR-EV-ER!!!" - Farina again.