Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

10-30-02

Well, I woke up yesterday morning with a really bad feeling in my stomach. I just knew that something was wrong yesterday. You know that feeling you get, when you just know that something isn't right? Well take that and multiply it by 1million. That is how I was feeling.
I got up and around and checked my email. I had a message from JC. He'd been sick for almost two weeks. He told me that he wasn't going to classes or work yesterday. He was FINALLY gonna go to the doctor. Yeah, I was relieved that he was finally going to see what it what it was. He is too much like me. He only goe to the doctor when he feels REALLY bad. We hate doctors so if we go you KNOW something is wrong. We chat early yesterday afternoon, after he got home. He has pneumonia. They wanted to admit him but he declined that because he had no one to take care of his cats and dog. They gave him 3 prescriptions and told him to stay home for at least a week. He is scheduled to go back next Monday or Tuesday. I so wanted to go be with him and to take care of him. But being another victim of the economy right now and unemployed, I have to be here in case I get called in for an interview. DAMMIT I need a job. (Sorry, that's another story).
My gut instinct was still killing me. I wanted to just crawl back into bed and hide under the covers from the world.
I went to the session with JMC and his shrink. It started off as it always did. the shrink just let me and JMC interact and observed us and would occassionaly ask a question or two. Then it happened. JMC got silent and his eyes were tearing up. OMG, this is it, I thought. The shrink asked him what was bothering him. He was silent for for a few seconds and asked again. JMC blurted out that his dad had raped him. OMFG, the emotions that went through me. I could almost feel the physical pain of JMC, though I know it didn't touch the surface of what he was going through. I was trying to keep from crying, myself. The pain, the sorrow. The RAGE. The rage that i hate when it when it sweeps through me. I hate being that angry, and when I am, it only makes me that much angrier. I had never wanted to kill anyone so bad in all of my life. That sonofabitch is so lucky that he lives out of state, now. If he was still in town, I probably would have hunted him down like the piece of shit that he is. JMC said that it happened between 7 and 10 years ago, up to the point where his dad left and his mom filed for divorce. HOW THE FUCK can anyone do that to a 7-10 yo kid?!!!! Much less your own son?!!!!!!!!! When his mom was at work, his dad would make him put on his mom's clothes and call him "Sissy boy" and would molest him. I remember four years ago when I first met JMC and took him under my wing so to speak, he told me that if we ever got into an argument or fight, I could call him anything anything I wanted, but he did tell me to NEVER call him "sissy boy". That was one term that he absolutely hated. I kinda suspected that it something to do with his dad, since JMC did tell me that he used to yell and beat him and his mom all the time. All the while claiming to be a devout baptist and living by God's word. That f**king hypocrite. I have to admit, that this revelation didn't come as a total surprise after some one of our previous sessions. But to actually hear JMC say it. To see the pain and agony in his eyes. It was almost unbearable. As I said earlier, I've never wanted to kill anyone in all of my life. If I'd seen that sonofabitch, I would have ripped him apart with my bare hands and gave him a slow, torturous, agonizing death. I want that bastard to pay. I want him to suffer.
JMC is only 17 and has gone through so much in last couple of months. He just had a double heart-valve replacement surgery in August. He doesn't need this shit. It's no wonder when I first met him four years ago, that I felt so protective of him. At that point he was considering suicide. Yeah, there is 16 years difference between us, but we immediately connected and formed a strong bond. He always say that I am his best friend. To me, that is an honor. I have always been protective of him, as I am with my nearest and dearest friends. And here's something that I can't protect him from. Yeah it happened before I met him, but still I feel so f**king useless right now. He always calls me his guardian. I really do not feel worthy of that title, now. I feel so small right now. I can't even imagine what he's going through. Worse yet, I don't even know how to help him. What kind of guardian is that?
And JMC, the sweet person, the sweet soul that he is, was worried about me and he's the one going through this shit. He told his shrink that he was scared and worried about me. When I asked why, he replied, "I don't want you to go prison for murder, *Storm*" OMG, he always has known me too well. I had to promise him that wouldn't do anything like that. My rage was still boiling at that point it took a few times of him asking to promise that before I obliged.
After JMC was dismissed, I did talk to the shrink for awhile. He gave me a prescriotion for some sedatives. That is probably a good thing. I wouldn't have slept at all, otherwise.
I've still yet to talk to his mom. She called from work last night and left a message for me to call her. I did NOT want to tell her while she's at work, plus that is something I'd rather do to her face, I hope that I can comfort and help her deal with this.
Dammit, he is the one that's going through this and I feel like I'm losing *my* f**king mind. I feel useless. What can I do? What the F**K DO I do?
Thank God, I did get to chat with a few of my best friends last night. JC, BOH, your sister COH, and PG, THANK YOU ALL so much. They did help me, how, i don't know, but I was somewhat calmer after chatting with them. My God. BOH. I can't even imagine what he's going through either. I am so worried about him, too. God, I wish that he was here, so I would *KNOW* that he's okay. All I can do is keep in touch with him and help him, also. One of my biggest fears is that this will adversely affect his relationship with JMC. But, I really don't think that BOH would let it. As i said in a prevous entry, sometimes we are too much alike, also. I hope that this is one aspect where that is true too. (telepathically sends some strength to BOH)
And JC. I know that he's worried about JMC too but I know that he's lying in bed with the pneumonia and instead of concentrating on getting better, he's gonna worry about me. I had to make him promise me not to drive down here, last night. He needs to get better first.
Well, guess I'm done rambling for now. The sedative is kicking in again. I wish that in some way I could just wake up and this would have all a horrible nightmare. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(