Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

11-11-02

Well no entry yesterday. Nothing really exciting going on, I guess. I just sat at home all day and did nothing.
Well, I did talk to my sister yesterday, briefly. Her ex brother-in-law. (I guess that what you'd call him, her ex's brother), was found found dead the other day. Sorry if I don't sound really sympathetic. I never liked the guy anyway. Actually everyone in that family is a bunch of liars and cheats. ALL of the kids have (or have had, supposedly, I think they still do) drug problems. My sister's ex just got out of prison about 5-6 months ago for drugs. I mean I am sorry for the family for their loss, but he and I never got along. Though we did get along somewhat better than my ex B-I-L's older brother and I did. I could never stand that man. They told my sis that there were no drugs in his system. But, they could have just been lying to her to just protect his so-called reputation, that really is something they would do. But even *IF* there were drugs in his system, that does not mean that the drugs he had taken didn't kill him. I've had two acquaintances that have died in VERY similar circumstances. Neither one of them had done drugs in at leats a year, and nothing was in their system, but the coroner's reports said their deaths were caused by all of the drugs that they had taken. Earlier this year, another acquaintance died and was found the in the same manner also. She DID have drugs in her system. So, it's hard to tell really, especially with that family. And I thought my life and family was f***ed up. Compared to them, my family is the *Perfect* family. And believe me, we are not perfect in any way. Oh well.
Well, I also talked to "M" yesterday, (The guy that I met at the club, Friday night, that looked like BOH) And my initial instincts were somewhat correct, I'm starting believe that the more I talked to him. He was hinting around about about needing some money for awhile. Then he asked if I wanted to come over for awhile. I said I couldn't because of some previous engagemnet. Then he came right out and aksed if I could bring some money to him and that he would *pay* me back in trade. When I aksed what he needed the money for, he hesitated for a few seconds and then said rent. Okay, the hesitation told me that he was lying. My gut told me from the beginning, that it was for drugs, most likely. I told him, I didn't have any money. I didn't tell him that even if I did, I wasn't going to pay for any sexual favors, which is what he was strongly implying. I admit, I was disappointed. It's bad enough that he has a drug habit, (what kind, I'm not sure) I know it's a sad fact of life for many that they feel they have to sell their bodies to support a drug habit.
Now let's clarify here, I don't do drugs, and I really don't like them. But a few very close friends do. They do not do them around me, or try to push them off on me, and they don't do them all the time. I wish that they didn't but I cannot tell them what to do. And aside from that habit, they really are great people and friends who would do anything for you. They are sweet, loving and caring people. But they have that flaw. Hell, we all have our flaws and NOBODY is perfect. Well except a few that I know. ;) I have my flaws, I know it. I'm short, ugly and probably repulse the majority of the world population. I try to be a good person from the inside. But many, if not most, don't take the time to get to know anyone on the inside anymore, for who they really are, not just the packaging. You heard the old cliche, "Don't judge a book by it's cover." Too bad most don't live by that standard.
I talked to JC yesterday, too. He's doing fine. I was hoping that he might be able to come down this weekend, but he says probably not and told me to go ahead and go to DC and IV's party friday night. Psh. I don't know though. I doubt that I will. He wanted me to promise him that I would, but I told him I couldn't promise that. Not yet especially. Heck, it's only Monday (well Sunday when I talked to him, hehe)
I most likely will not be going to the RAW party tonight. I'll probably just watch it at home. I don't know, I think that everything is just starting to get to me. I don't know.
Okay, okay, I'm off of my self-pity trip, now. LOL
I hope to talk to BOH, today. I wonder if he's doing any better and how things go today, With his friend. I hope that they are talking and getting along. But if not, I hope that BOH takes it at least half-way decently. When I talked to him the other day, he sounded as if he would be okay. I hope that's true. I just hate seeing him sad. I know that things like that will happen and it's a part of life. That doesn't mean I have to like it, though. :) Oh well.
I've been doing alot of thinking, the last couple of days. Mostly about people. In general i do like everyone. But, there are just those who are more important to me. DUH! I know, everyone feels that way. But, I have really been thinking about that alot for some reason. And as much as I do love my family, I really can't say that they are the *most* important and I can't say that they are the *least* important. I will say that there are three, who are the MOST important people in my life. I can't really place them in any order other than that. They are just all in the number one spot. I love them and care about them so much. I'm not saying that I don't care deeply about the others, because I do.
I stayed up until 3:30 Saturday night/Sunday morning, talking to a friend of mine and JMC's. He was depressed and lonely. He has a problem trusting people. Especially in a relationship. JJ is a sweet guy, and I don't like him being depresed either. He just has a problem believing that his bf was with four other guys (3 of whom are gay, that he knows of) and that nothing happened. I know how he feels. I've been there too. But, at the same time I go the parties with with at least 20 gay guys usually, and I don't do anything, either. So it is possible. But I really don't know much about the other guy, either. I hope that everything works out for them, JJ at least.
Oh well, I'll close this for now. I hope you all have a great day. :)