Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

11-13-02 Just more rambling

Okay it has been more than 3 days since I've seen BOH or COH. I am really f***ing worried, now. ALL the worst scenarios are running through my mind. I can't even put them into words. I am just sitting here, hoping and praying, again, that I AM wrong.
Didn't talk to JC yesterday either. But I know that when he's going to classes and working he isn't online a lot. But still, it doesn't help my mood right now.
This is going on the fouth day of not seeing BOH or sis. But consdering the two hour time difference, it will at least be 6 here, before I DO see him, today, if he gets on. (ponders what to do for five hours bedise going f***ing crazy!)
I am hoping that whatever it is, that it doesn't have anything directly to do with them. Maybe the town had a blackout. (Wishful thinking) Maybe they're both grounded from the computers? I hope. It's just the not knowing what is going on that is killing me. One or two days without him online I can see, that has happened before. (usually just lousy timing on our parts). But three, almost four? I don't know.
If, and that is a BIG *IF*, any of my *worst* fears are true I don't EVEN want to think of what would happen. To myself, or even worse, JMC. I know we've never actually met, but that does not change the feelings and the closeness that is there. And yeah, my biggest concern is JMC. Especially considering his condition at the time. I am just driving myself crazy with these thoughts, I know. But, I can't help it. I have always done that. "Expect the worst, Hope for the best" And believe me, I am HOPING for the best.
Soon after BOH and I started talking and became friends, he had said something along the lines, "...If anything ever happened to me, if I died or something, you'd have no way of knowing."
And, that's true. I just pray that, that was not a premonition. BOH has done that before. After so MANY times of him seeing things happening, they have. We could be chatting, and I would say BRB-Door, he'd tell me who was at the door, and 99.99% of the time he was right. Same thing with the phone. Same thing with JMC, when he had his surgery.
On Saturday, when I last talked to him, he said that he kept having a vision/seeing a car accident. At first he thought it had to do with me and EEC, on our way to the clinic that night to check on JMC. But what if, it wasn't her and I? What if..
No. No. NOOOOOOO! I will NOT think that way.
Sorry gotta close for now.