My True Soul

Memories and Christmas Time

Sometimes I begin to absolutely believe that we make ourselves behave in certain ways to block out something. To block out some form of pain or a memory. I find I block it out or go numb. I have a particular memory that keeps coming back to me, it has this last week, and I just, it bothers me. I never really told anyone about it until I met Sarah. And I'd wanted to, but, this was just something I couldn't tell anyone. I still can't, except for her. And I probably have more memories I've put in the deep dark corners of my mind that I've forgotten that I won't be able to tell anyone but her. Before, I thought it was just a dream. But have reasons to believe otherwise now. It truly is funny how I work.

Christmas time is just not a good time of the year for me emotionally, normally. That's rooted in the fact of how my family was when I was little. We had a big Christmas get together on my mom's side normally... all my family, just, it's nice when everyone gets along. Well, that stopped when I was 6 or 7. Then the next year, my grandfather dies really close to my birthday... it was on it or 2 days after. It's vague now. That was my first experience with death and the first time I learned how my nerves are. My aunt and grandmother were so nervous... well my dad too... and they kept trying to force me to go look at my grandfather... I couldn't. But because they were so nervous, they didn't realize this, they kept pushing for me to go see him. Death scared me then, I didn't like the smell, I couldn't stand the thought of someone that was dead and their skin color, etc. I got so nervous cause I didn't know what to do and I was so scared too. I ended up being sick and throwing up so much. My mom reprieved me, took me to the bathroom, she knew what had happened and asked me if I could go back out there... I couldn't, so we went to get something to settle my stomach/nerves and put me to sleep. Now, whenever I get really nervous and really scared, I throw up. I can't handle being that nervous and I start shaking. That was one Christmas. Another Christmas, the one that ended our family get togethers... my uncle and my dad got into a fight. They were yelling and I'd never saw it before... my dad walked away from my uncle before he punched him. Walked home. I didn't understand then, but I do now. It all pretty much boils down to this... my mom's family hates my dad cause he stands up for what he believes in. I may not get along with my dad, but I realize somethings I share with him, and with my grandfather (the one I was talking about). Then for some reason, I still miss the family feeling. I get so sick when I see Amanda's family all together and getting along. I've never really had that. And it's tougher when you're an only child, you have a HUGE family outside your immediate, they did get together, then they don't because they don't care about one another. Consequently... all these memories are still here in my mind and every year I remember them... everything. I miss my Uncle Larry so much too around Christmas. I can't imagine how my mom handles it. There were things that went wrong in his life, but he was a really great man. He is what kept the family together and I don't think there's a more caring man in the world. I can remember him at Thanksgiving and Christmas. He'd have on a light flannel short sleeve shirt, long white shirt under it, brown pants always creased perfectly, brown shoes and often he'd have a cane. He'd be sitting at the end of the table while the rest of the family was off doing other things, eating buttermilk and cornbread, always in this one particular mug. Of course, he looked like Santa Claus too... =)

During Christmas time, I wanna do so much to help other people in hopes of shaking off these memories. But I haven't managed to yet. Somewhere deep inside, I still feel empty. I know that'll go away when I'm with Sarah though. It goes away when I'm talking to her... but normally during this time of the year, we can't talk much. It just doesn't happen. And I want her here with me so much and I crave her so much because she is my shelter from the hurricane, ya understand? But, for the time, I'll just tie myself down, get lost in work, think about her, and try to forget how much it hurts. I love her so much that it does hurt when I think about it and to keep from crying so, I have to make myself numb partially. I see Tori most everyday (she's the 8th grader I've mentioned... amazing what info you can find out when you're in yearbook... lol) and I just kinda smile some and think about Sarah for a while. If I saw Sarah everyday, I know I would be hugging her every single day for starters. That's extremely weird for me, I don't normally hug people, I don't like for people to touch me, but, I can see and almost feel hugging Sarah and it being what a hug should feel like... comforting instead of weird and unusual. I can't wait until we spend our first Christmas together. It'll be really nice, I don't care if she doesn't get me anything, gifts are not important to me. I feel special enough if you just remember to say Happy Birthday to me or Merry Christmas. Ah, btw, Sarah and I have known each other 2 years now. I was 15 when we started talking, then I turned 16. She was 14. Now I'm 17, about to be 18, and she's 16. And it's 22 months today. It's really amazing, it has been a long time, but, when I look at it and think about being with her, it doesn't feel like a long time. Perhaps because I want to be with her for the rest of my life and I know most of that is ahead of me. But whenever I look at how long I've waited to see her, it seems like forever, lol. I haven't heard her voice since the Saturday before Thanksgiving. So right now, I'm hearing her in my mind... and no I'm not crazy, it just helps me relax.

I really hate that I'm normally so tired by 10 that I go to bed. I go to school, come home, do homework and/or study most all night. And right now, everyone has been getting sick at school. All my friends. And I'm fighting the germs and stuff really hard apparently cause I have yet to get sick. But it wears me out. I have to get enough sleep to be able to stay well and I have headaches everyday. Plus lately I've been trying to cut back on cokes and stuff. Well, I'm not getting the caffeine I'm used to, bad headaches, plus I'm not getting as much sugar as I need. I apparently have low blood sugar, cause if I go without, I get weak and I feel so tired. And I know if Sarah's gonna get on, it'll be later at night normally... but some nights, I don't think I could make it. I just can't... I try, but, it just doesn't work. Tonight I fell asleep at 11ish and woke up at 1:30. So, I've had 2 and half hours, but it was deep sleep. I should go to bed now thought, I'm getting up in 3 hours. But I don't have the typical day tomorrow, so I'm thinking maybe I'll be okay. I get to go caroling and that'll make me happy and I don't really have to think about it. Just drive and sing. Government, AP English, Chemistry, Adv. Math, and Yearbook really get to you day after day.

Speaking of that, I'm going to bed.