My True Soul

Rantings - Happiness and Sadness

I have been extremely excited this weekend. I have missed Sarah so much that I'm acting insane to keep from crying. I get so tired of crying, even tho it makes me feel better. I'd rather act like an idiot and laugh my butt off than cry sometimes. The wonderful time of month helps these emotions along too of course. I hate cramps with a passion and I feel sick from them. And then, the good news, I talked to Carmel. I was really hoping to see Hepher, but, I'll trade talking to Carmel for seeing Hepher. It's been too too long since I've talked to her. About 6 months I think. I don't know how to emphasis how awesome it was and how highly I think of her. I went through some of the hardest stuff in my life with her. She helped to bring about a new person within me. She's the one who told me I should speak up cause I needed to be heard. Kinda taught me to look for reasons to live and was the first person I ever identified with about suicide and depression. I'm really glad that I have had friends here who have been as supportive, they're really wonderful too. But Carmel is like the buddy that you grew up with and no matter how you change, that's always part of you, no matter what - you'll always get along. No matter how much time passes, you can start talking like it was only a few hours. I really admire her and look up to her. It's a whole different way than how I feel about Sarah, but it has some of the same intensity. Talking to her was just awesome. She asked me where I was gonna apply to college... right after I named off the ones in Wash... "and where's Sarah" mostly meaning how far is Sarah from the colleges... lol. She knows me well. She knows I'm head over heels for Sarah. She and I used to be anti-love, anti-romance, just blerg on the boyrfriend girlfriend thing, the sappy stuff, marriage, everything. Now, well, look at me... if you've read ANY other entries, you KNOW how I am. I asked her if she was gonna be home after they got outta school cause I would love to meet her just once. Just to be able to say hey, look at her face, and in my stupid way, thank her for being there for me more than she ever knew. She told me that if Sarah comes with me, which I promised Sarah no major sight-seeing until she was with me... but, if Sarah goes, then no gross pda stuff in front of her. Carmel hates that with everyone I believe and I understand why. But I'd really love for them to meet one another. Just cause between them, they've had major impacts in my life. The whole Public Displays of Affection... I understand both sides. I will so want to show Sarah how I feel, I know that I won't care who's around, but I'm thinking holding hands and stuff. Carmel and I were both exposed to our best friends (of the time), which are almost one in the same. Example of PDA with them: You're talking to them, they're hugged up with their bf (no big deal), they keep playing and hands keep going under shirts, you're talking, then they start making out in front of you so heavily and spit is going all over their mouths... ooooh god, I'm gonna be sick again!! Okay... okay... it's so sick though. And it does seriously make me sick thinking about that memory. That's what is thought of sometimes by us when people say PDA, so, eh. Hah, what's funny, is I remember that, get sssooo sick feeling, but the one thing that makes me feel better in a flash is Sarah's picture... it's an INSTACURE! So, no pda, that's perfectly fine. But I get to go see my girlfriend, the love of my life, hopefully my future wife.... and then I get to meet Carmel too.

It is now the next night. I'm about to pass out from being so sleepy. But have you ever had so much on your mind that you have to just get some of it out somehow before you can relax enough to sleep? Mine right now, I don't know. I feel bad, I feel weak. Do you ever get the empty feeling where ya just wanna be held? I'm surrounded by these people, by my friends, but I still feel alone because I haven't talked to Sarah. It times like these that I realize again how much I am in love with her cause I crave her so badly and I stay so worried about her. I think I would cry if I just heard her say I love you. I hate and love christmas holidays. I want to be around people who really love me... but there aren't that many.

Anyway... I keep thinking about Sarah's ring. I have some more ideas now. Keep thinking about marrying her and how big of a step it is. I can't see my life without her well. And I sure as hell can't see my life without her and it being happy. I know that it feels right, the thought of being with her forever doesn't scare me, what scares me is the thought of not asking her and her not being with me. I can't not ask her, if she says no, then that's totally different. But I have to ask. Through everything, I will always love her and I am so stubborn about this. She knows it too. I am completely stubborn when it's something I believe in and I believe in her and our love.

My car almost got hit today. It really pissed me off. I felt bad today anyway, then almost getting hit... that just did not... *sighs*. I want to sleep and not wake up for a day. *grins* That makes me feel a tiny bit better. It's nice to know that even when someone doesn't live near ya that they still care bout ya enough to say "Sweet Dreams" even tho you're "away". It's a simple thing to do and a little thing, but sometimes, little things make a big difference. Anyways. Bugg was going the WRONG way, not looking, she's stupid anyways, and she almost hits me. That's unnerving. And I do have road rage.

Another thing that pisses me off are the social classes at school, they're so stupid. I had to pick out senior environmental pictures. With certain people, the other staff members had no clue which picture looked the best cause it's apparent that they never really NOTICE the other person. I might not like everyone in my class, I might not talk to them, but I at least notice them and know their names. It's not hard, not with 110 students, especially when you've been going to school with them FOREVER.

This may sound weird, lol, but I miss hearing my ex girlfriend sing Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby Got Back". She just constantly sang it, now everytime I hear it, certain parts of it remind me of her singing it. And it reminds me how I was when I was 16. Being that age, being on the phone with her and hearing her sing that song. I thought I was so in love with her. But I look back now, I wasn't. I didn't feel 97% of the feelings that I do with Sarah. That's a difference. With Jenna, I thought. With Sarah, I feel. I listened to my mind with Jenna. I listened to my heart with Sarah. Take it from me, my mind constantly tries to take control, but don't listen to it... listen to your heart and be true to it, it'll lead you to happiness. Still tho, I miss talking to the little punk kinda. Just wondering how she is, wondering if she's still with Gina, wondering if they're married now. She made a pretty good friend, but nothing more shoulda been.

The other thing that has been bothering has to do with ACT stuff, college stuff, and at the moment, I'd rather not go into it much. My dad just acts like anything I do is never good enough and it makes me feel so awful and it pisses me off at the same time cause he has no idea what it's like to be me. He doesn't know what I go through at all, yet he thinks he has the right to talk about what I accomplish like it's nothing. Yeah, Thanks Dad.

Respecting parents was brought up tonight. I can talk back to my parents. I'm too independent not to. I respect them. But, I do not see why I should respect them if they didn't at least try to treat me like I was 17 instead of 12. I do not know everything, I will NEVER know everything, there are some things ya just have to do the hard way, and I'm too immature to listen some of the times... at least I'm willing to admit this. I do have 17, almost 18 years that I've lived. Surely I've developed some thoughts, opinions, etc about this life and when they start punishing me and I don't see what I did that was wrong, then heck, I'm gonna say something. If you want to get respect, give respect. It's simple. I sounded pretty mad at my mom tonight cause she was handing me a book - a HUGE dictionary - she wouldn't step down another stair and SAFELY hand it to me... instead she drops it and it smashed my hand on a sharp edge of the stair... very sharp... it hurt SUPER bad... so yes, I was angry sounding cause it HURT.

And I'm supposed be looking up a controversial issue. I have 13. I don't know which one though. Harry Potter, Gay Adoption, Suicide, Child Abuse, Gun Control, I mean... I can write about all of them and be pretty dang passionate about them all. I'm just gonna list things and freewrite about them tomorrow. Maybe we won't have our vocab test... I hope not. I'm gonna probably write about several of the topics just cause I wanna. Anyway. G'nite.