Life as we know it sucks

I'm feeling rather irate.

current mood: pissed, but happy? (you try to explain it)

current music: Right into the bliss - Katatonia

Do you know how glad I am that seeing Jacob's picture changed absolutely nothing I feel for him? What COULD change it is if he was a dick like Matt or every other guy I've known. So far, he hasn't revealed those colors. And I hope he never will because I feel good about this one. I want him to stay around for a while. Sure, I was pissed the other night at him for only God knows what reason, but I'm over whatever stupid reason that was. I just want to be able to talk to him at least once a day. <sigh>

Something is still missing from my life. I want a boyfriend. I want one that's around here and not just trying to fuck me. But I don't like anyone around here. This is Culpeper, what guy wouldn't want to fuck some girl? Lately, I've just been so depressed. I've been wanting someone to hold me. Hug me in the afternoon. Kiss me. I want to know what cuddling feels like. Haven't I suffered long enough? I want to cry sometimes. This stresses me out. Everyone has someone and I don't. I used to have so many more friends when I was going out with Matt. What happened? Why did they all side with him? They always told me what an ass he'd been and how he doesn't deserve me. Why are they still friends with him, but they can just kick me to the curb?

God, I hate him! I hate him so much!! I will never truly be happy. Who can make me that happy anyway? As happy and satisfied as Matt always is. What did I do to deserve this? Why must I suffer for his mistakes? Man fuck this! And fuck him! Why do I still love him? Why can't I get a boyfriend? Why can't I have that one guy all through high school that will stay with me until we part for college? Why? Why? Why? I am so depressed. I don't know whether I've wanted a boyfriend more than I do now. I know I don't need a guy, but I just want to be happy and I feel a guy will make me as happy as anything.

Sure, Jacob's here for me. But not physically. He's 900 miles away from me. If he were here I wouldn't have to worry about a boyfriend. I would have my soulmate. <sigh>

I give up. I give up on this stupid life. Nothing goes my way. I'm so grateful for Jakey, trust me, I just wish it would go my way. I wish I didn't have my brother. I wish my dad was still here. I wish I still had the friends that were with me while I was with Matt. I wish I was still living in Iowa. I wish I had the guts to take my life. I wish I wish I wish, but have you ever seen anything happen?