My True Soul

Been a while, eh?

It's been a long time since I've wrote in my journal... I think... um, yeah, close to a month. I guess I've just had too much on my mind, too much to do, too much to handle. I'm writing now, because, even though things just reached a climax and could go back anyday, I feel like it. Stuff is complicated, I don't know, I want out, I want away, but at the same time I don't. I want to stay gone, all the time, cause when I'm at home, I'm normally busy working on homework or scholarship stuff. It's, so, annoying. And by the time I can leave the house, that's all I wanna do, is just go. But, I right now, I want to talk to Sarah everytime possible. Cause, even though she hasn't said it, I know, she needs it. I sound so self-centered when I say stuff like that. But, I know, she loves me, I hear it in her voice and I can sense it. I'm really worried about her right now, really worried, and I wanna just snap my fingers and make her better or take all of her pain and let it be on me. I would rather be suffering myself even though I know it's a lot of pain, than see her go through it. I wanna just take her away, hold her in my arms, kiss her forehead, rock her back and forth and tell her not to worry, not to be scared, cause I'll make everything better, but, there are times when you realize you're doing all you can and you begin to hope that it's enough to make a difference. She's told me if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be here now... so, I guess I have made a difference. If it wasn't for her, I don't know where I'd be. My friends, so much junk with them. I can't even begin there. I mean, sheesh. Right now, all I care about is getting over my problems, and making sure Sarah knows that I will not give up on her. Trying to make her feel better. I asked her how her day went today, she said she didn't wanna talk about it. I really wanna know, really really wanna know, but, since she said that... I left her alone about it... I don't believe in forcing it out of people. Plus, I could tell she was dead serious about not talking about it. I'm not sure if I shoulda still asked her, but, I just tried to make her laugh instead. She and I pissed off this guy that liked her. I don't have anything to do with him, cause, he pissed me off, and he judged me, and I don't like that - at all, and I do not need that right now. So, anyways, he asked her to ask me why I blocked him, hated him, etc. All that, whatever, but... it was so funny. Guys, he asked me what grades I made, I told him, I asked him why he asked, and his response was "So I could/can judge you." and stupid me didn't copy that... I shoulda, cause, now he's denying it... but, that's what he said, I would swear my life on it, swear the lives of everyone I knew on it. I'm so glad that Sarah does trust me enough to know I'm telling the truth. Jenna, I didn't know, Amanda - I didn't know. But, guys, think about it, what the heck can we base our relationship on? To make ours work completely and last TWO years, we have to base it on trust, honesty, and good communications. Without the trust, we'll have nothing. And ya know what, I think everyone should go through this once, just to learn what the important things about a relationship are. That's why it's worked, that's why we've fallen in love with one another, that's why we both want to marry each other, not because we're "crazy" but because our relationship has been through some of the HARDEST tests ever, and hey, it's still kicking and I still love her more each day. The dude, he kept telling her how weird it'd be to touch me, etc, guess what buckaroo? We know this and if for some reason we didn't, I think our friends have told us enough that we woulda figured it out then. Neither of us expect it to be really natural at first. It's gonna be like sitting beside a stranger, but one, you know everything about as far as their personality goes. It's gonna be weird. But, I feel that after we get over that first initial weirdness that I'll be able to take her in my arms and it feel like she's melted into me. Geez.
Anyway, enough, about Sarah, I talk about her all the time, I realize this, I'm sorry, bite me if you don't like it. Cause, I really don't care. I've became the cold heartless one, and hey, guess what, once again... I DON'T CARE.
I talked to Carmel yesterday, she said she's doing the same thing, she can always relate to me. It feels so nice to hear her say the same thing that I feel. She told me not to worry about it, etc. Teased me about Sarah some. I showed her my senior pictures, told me I was cute, that always helps. Then we just talked about different stuff... lol, it's nice talking to her. She told me I couldn't do anything drastic til I went to see Sarah and her... she's right... I can't... I won't... I've waited too long. I've known Carms since 9th grade and Sarah since 10th. Like, hrm... I suppose... oh yes, I just turned 15 with Carms, and I was about to turn 16 with Sarah. 3 and 2 years of waiting to go see 2 of the girls that I love the most. Carms doesn't know it, but I'd do about anything for her. Sarah, she knows I'd do about anything for her. I dunno what it is, I guess Carms and I just have literally grown up together even though we don't talk too much. Sarah, well, duh. *winks*
Marcy, god, yeah, love her too. I dunno, god, I just do, lol... not like that, but, I mean, Marcy is kinda like my big sissie, no one's gonna take her away from me. She's known me since I was 14. Carms is kinda like my sister too. It's comforting.
Haha, we got a new girl at school, she's in yearbook with me... I thought "oh, she's a junior or senior..." nah! lol, she's a freshman. she's freakin 5'10" and she looks like she could be 17... she does look more like 16, but STILL. sheeshies. she has a beautiful smile and eyes. her teeth are great, smile is big, has dimples, then had dark rich brown eyes. that's the kinda brown eyes i like. sarah's got a wonderful smile, great teeth, big smile, dimples, lol... then she has beautiful blue eyes.... and i am PICKY about blue eyes... and i love hers. but, i didnt know, lol... it shocked me. i was like "uh, huh, she's... she's... a... what?!??!?!" "freshman" "FRESHMAN?!??!?????!" i don't really care, but, gah, lol, she's so tall and... she's in yearbook and... oh well, lol, she's really nice. i was talking to her today about grandparents, oh god, it made me feel SO much better... she is in the same situation i am when it comes to one of her grandmothers. everyone normally just looks at me like "geez, you're such a freak if your own grandmother hates you" and she just stared at me, blinked, and said "oh, whoa, really?? MINE too!" anyway, sheesh, i gotta go, momma's home and i gotta call sean!