My True Soul

What's been up?

I just completely missed the months of February and March, eh? The sad thing is, I thought I had written, lol. I got quite busy with a lot of things. Lot of personal things that I feel as if I shouldn't share with everyone other than those involved. I've also been trying to fix problems with myself. I really truly hate myself. I like a few things, but, I honestly hate myself. I do not say that to get sympathy. If that's all I wanted, then I would be okay after I got it, but I'm not. And hating yourself causes conflict. Whenever someone tells you something, they have to constantly remember if you'll take it well or not or if it's something you can blame yourself for. I understand it must be really hard on my friends and Sarah. I couldn't stop it though. I try to accept things and try to not blame myself and it just doesn't feel right. I am my own worst critic. I always have been this way... even since 1st grade. It's just now that I've really began to realize how it effects others and how it effects me. I am my own worst enemy. I'm trying to learn to accept the things I can't change, change the ones I don't like, and cherish/appreciate the ones I do like. At the moment, the only person I'm doing this for is Sarah. She asked me to try to do it for myself, I've been trying to, but often, I can't see much motivation for doing something good for myself. I know it's a problem. I've been writing down a lot of things that have happened in my life in an attempt to better understand myself. I think that some of them, I really should talk to someone about. The thing is, I don't trust many people with these things... in fact, Sarah's the only one who knows about a few of them. I'd like to talk to her about them, but, I don't feel like now is the time. I trust her with that stuff. And I ironically trust Kat a lot... I don't know why. Btw, I told Kat about my sexuality and about Sarah. She took it so well, I thought she didn't understand me. She was just like "okay" and end of story. She's been really accepting and understanding. It's nice. I had that feeling with her about trusting her... just is deep and unexplainable. I can talk to Kat about Sarah, no problem. Can talk to Kat about family problems like I can with no other - mostly cause I believe she's had enough of her own similar to mine that she understands well. But, this stuff... I just... I can't see myself talking to her about. I don't have horrible flashing images of her freaking out or anything, but, I don't know... these are REALLY deep and hidden. So hidden that before Sarah - NO ONE knew. And it'd been like that for a LONG time. And with Sarah, I'm comfortable about talking about this stuff, really comfortable. Anyways, I've been thinking that maybe I should talk to someone about them, just to get them to ask me questions, to do with me like I do with others.

What else has went on?
An easy answer - Lots!

My friends have all been having problems along with me. Prom's coming up - stress there, of course. The closer it gets, the more I wonder "why the hell am I going" but it's too late to back out now. I fell into the trap of everyone telling me I should go. Oh well, I guess I would regret it in 10 years. I wish I could go with Sarah. I would love to slow dance with her. Maybe I will this summer. Instead, I'm going with Eric. He's a sweet guy.

And you guys, whoever reads this, I'm ssssooooo nervous and scared about meeting Sarah. I so am. I've waited 2 and a half years. I hope she doesn't mind me touching her. She said she might, but I really pray and hope she doesn't. Not because I'm going to do anything to her, don't think that. I just want to be able to take her in my arms when I want. But if she has a problem with that, then I won't, I'm understanding when it comes to that. And not only that, I want to ask her to marry me. It's been 2 years and almost 2 months.... I can talk to her for 16 hours... not get tired and not want her to go even then. I love her with all that I am. I know what kind of ring I want to get her, my friends think it's gorgeous. Had a few tell me they'd marry me if I got them a ring like that, lol. =) I have good taste in rings, believe it or not. And it does fit what she said she wanted and would wear. I'm thinking I'll get it a little bit bigger so she can wear it on another finger, cause, um, if she walks in around her parents wearing a ring on her left hand ring finger.... =/ eeek. But, then again, gosh.... ANY advice here? Should I get it the right size and she just wear it on her right hand? Or what?

That's about it for now... I know there is more... but I'm really tired of sitting down here. I've been online for the last... uh.... 4 hours, almost 5. Kinda sad, I know.

I think next time, I'll post some newer things I've written.
Adios, hope all is well with you guys.

Bless our Troops!