Life as we know it sucks

Love, Hate, Love

Current Mood: sad, depressed, shaking

Current Music: Teenage Riot - Sonic Youth


I hate Kelly. Why does she have to do this to him? I was starting to see a little progress in him, then she talks to him. Tells him a little part of her is still in love with him. Fuck that. She's fucking lying and I hate what she does to him. It tears me up inside because then he starts talking. Talking about taking a knife to his heart. I have never felt this way about another human being. I have never been so empathetic in my life. Jacob worries me and I'm becoming overwhelmed. I wish I could be there. At his house, right now just helping him - comforting him, talking to him. I want to be with him and I will somehow achieve that in the worst possible way. This feeling is overcoming, overbearing, overpowering. This feeling. This love is taking over everything. I have never felt so weird. So inexperienced.

Moment of realization: I have never been in love. Not even with Matt. Matt - I wanted him to be miserable. Fuck what I said, about how I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to be happy, I wanted him back. And if his misery would bring him to realize what he'd lost, then I'd be happy. That is not love. That is what the feeling of love was. I felt so good everytime I was around him.

I was in church yesterday, reading something on "Love At First Sight" and how it's virtually impossible. I agree. But the thing that struck me is: "People usually say, 'I love this feeling. I never want it to go away.' They're not in love with the person, they're in love with love. The imaginary feeling that they think they're experiencing." Seriously, love isn't a feeling. It's a state of mind. And I know I feel love.

If something hurts Jacob, it hurts me 10 times worse. I hate what Kelly does to him. He deserves so much better. And right now I am selfishly thinking: Me.