Life as we know it sucks

You won't let me

Current Mood: exasperated

Current Music: Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bob Marley

The reason I did not write the previous evening was because I was consumed enscribing a suicide note. I was so ready to do it last night, you have no idea the terrible stress I been undergoing and all this pain and worry isn't helping anything. I'm just ready to give up. First off, this new school schedule is fucking everything up and I'm going to be major stressed these next 18 weeks. Then there's my birthday coming up and that horrendus holiday in approximately 10 days on its way. I don't know how I'll survive these things this year.

Especially since I lost Jacob. Or am in the process. I am going to lose him. But I am going to take my life. I have never written a suicide note - I just always thought how much better off I'd be. But, now that I am seriously considering it, it's not just a thought. It may be an action...I am no longer afraid. I am no longer scared that someone will find out. No longer terrified of pain. I just want it. And I know I won't be able to survive without Jacob. He is my everything and when he's gone, I'm gone. I'm not living, I'm not breathing, I'm not eating for anyone else. Just him.

...But, he doesn't believe me. And since he told me he only cares if one person cares about him even though he doesn't know why, I've just been hurting terribly. He was talking about Kelly. He only cares that she loves him. He doesn't fucking care about me!! He never has! And he's lying. He's been lying this whole entire time! And that hurts so much. And he doesn't get it. It was too soon. It was too soon for me to even think about him (or anyone) like that.

I am no longer in denial, but I was in love with Matt. I was in love and that's not something you can just get over. It's not. And I just wanted to so badly and I lay my heart for open gambling. My heart is so broken. It's been smashed and sliced and diced and there's nothing left. And what's left is what I feel for Jacob. But he doesn't fucking believe me! And he never will. So, why bother trying? But, I hate giving up even though I speak of it often. But this is just so hard. So hard. Arduous, difficult, impossible. I am fighting a losing battle. I am contributing to nothing. I am pouring out my soul and heart to this guy and all he wants is Kelly. All he wants is the reassurance that she still loves him. And she doesn't! She doesn't! Get it through your head.

Fuck this. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Ben and I talked for 2 hours tonight and he told me that no guy is worth my time if I'm not 100% worth his - or something to that effect.

...I love you Jakey, but you just won't let me.