Monkeys

Spirit

Okay, well, here I am. Alive, and somewhat okay.

I really worry, you know….that people think I am a drama queen. That people don’t really believe it can be as bad as I say sometimes, and that I am over reacting. But you know, then I remember that I don’t know if I would believe it if I weren’t in the situation myself. Yeah….things get really, really bad sometimes. But then there are days like today, where things are okay….almost even good. You know?

Well, anyways. I do have a few things I would like to talk about.

Mainly, I want to talk about Spirit. On Sunday, I was in church for Sunday school, morning service, and evening service. At all 3 services, the pastor made it a point to say that this church has Spirit.

Now, my mom and I recently had a conversation about the spirit in this particular church, and while I didn’t say anything negative about the church, I did say that I needed to be in a church where the spirit was a good one. She argued with me, saying that every since I came home from Missouri, I have had a wall up because I wasn’t in my “Southern Baptist Church” and that I had such a distorted vision that I would never be happy in any other church.

Okay, to rant and defend, I want to say that, my first point is that a pastor should never have to tell us that our church has spirit. We should know it, see it, feel it. Already know it exists.

Second point? I do not have a wall up about the church. You can be blessed anywhere, and I will say that I have had a blessing or 2 since I have been going back to IBC.

But, in all honesty………….

1st Baptist Church in Platte City was the very first church where no one had to make me get up out of bed and threaten to ground me for the entire week if I didn’t go. It is the first church where I walk in the doors and I am immediately comfortable- where I feel like nothing is getting to me. It is there that I am always blessed, or being a blessing. There I can wear pants if I am cold, or I can dress up if I want to. To the church family, it made no difference. If I was singing a song, and got blessed, I could reach out my hand or cry, and it didn’t matter to anyone.

They are a church with a heart, and with a good spirit. But it isn’t something they will tell you.

I don’t know. I just miss my church. I miss hearing “God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good.” I miss being greeted with warm smiles. I miss my preacher hugging me, and asking if I was feeling better- because he noticed I wasn’t there last week. I miss the welcome group- sweet little old ladies- coming over to see us. I miss feeling like I had a seat in church.

I guess I just miss my church.

On top of all those things, I am finding it a battle to maintain my Christian walk alone. I know that my friends in MO and KS pray for me, and a few even talk me through the rough times- online or on the phone- but somehow, it is different going out with my unsaved friends here and being the only one to pray. Which I still do. I just feel like a loner while doing it. I miss the accountability to my friends. I miss a certain few people sharing their daily devotions with me.

I just feel like I am the only one here…..my age that is saved and willing to show it. I need that back.

Okay- done ranting. I am okay- really. Just finding a few things to be a battle. And knowing that I need God more than ever right now. Again, I have to totally rely on Him. I can’t do this alone either. Just because I am “home” doesn’t mean I don’t need Him. Let me tell you….I do. And badly. He is literally my saving grace.

Well, think of me when you murmer your prayers before drifting off to sleep, and again when you say your morning prayers. Even if you don’t know me. God does.

Lots of love, and HUGE hugs to all of her friends….here there and everywhere….

Beckie
Phil 4:13