My True Soul

SSDD

All I have to say at the moment:

I haven't talked to Sarah in almost 2 weeks.
I worry too much.
Kat never called me back or got in contact with Fetty.
I feel alone.
F**k me Freddy.
I hate just about everything.
Hate how I feel and I want to stop feeling.
Not to feel relief, just not to feel.
Why? I wish I knew, then I could stop it.
I really love these lyrics now *I'm 6 feet from the edge and I'm thinking maybe 6 feet ain't that far down*
I'm a really great example for Sarah, aren't I? Oh yeah. She ought to be with someone who's better than I am. I love her though, she is the good thing in my life. She's 2500 miles away, 42 hours, we hardly talk due to circumstances, and when we do... there's so much stuff to talk about that we never can manage to get all of it or get down to that... cuteness... that simple... i love you so much, i wanna hold you, i want to be able to play with your hair, that stuff... the stuff... i've craved so much. the stuff that anyone can give me, but that i really want from her. the stuff that makes me go to bed feeling so alone, wake up still alone, and so hurt/sad that i'm just pissed off i don't care.
Yeah, I'm weak.
Everyone says "You're so strong" I guess cause of all the crap and me not breaking, I don't know.
I want to live in a cave, not knowing there are people out there to get attached to, just live day in and day out, not caring, not feeling.
Ali fussed at me. She said that I didn't need to go through 4 years of college being alone. It saddens her, I could tell.
I can't help anyone right now. I just, can't.
But, you know, this is ironic... I don't hate myself.
I hate how I worry.
Sarah's fine...no... don't believe myself.... that doubt is kicking my ass.
Have faith... yes... I keep telling myself "she's okay... she's okay, she's got mr. richardson" I was so stupid when it came to stuff with him, so stupid, so immature. Now I want her to know I was... that it was stupid... that I wish I... I was horrible.
Everyone needs someone to go to when they feel like she has and does.
I can't be her someone, for many reasons.
She was mine...now no one is.
I have to go study for math.
How do I keep on studying and doing my homework? It's a motion of life, I don't feel when I study or do homework... I just do it.
How can I make A's and the best in my classes on my exams when I feel like this? I guess my schoolwork is the only stability in my life and I cling to it. Sarah was my stability.
If not for school, I think I would have shot myself by now.
Maybe I should think of Dianne Reeves *You gotta get through the night to make it to better days* and this is one of those nights where I keep waking up every 15 minutes.
Perhaps I should get counseling.
And do I ever talk to my parents about this? No. Strange stuff... I can talk to them and be open about most things until they involve how I feel or if the feelings are so passionate I cry.
I kinda screwed up the other day and did something I shouldn't have, I don't know why I did. But I won't again.
It's going to storm.... fits my mood...oddly, it normally works that way, or maybe I get in that mood because of the storm? No, normally storms make me happy. Sh**, I have to drive in the rain... damnit, I hate driving to MSU in the rain, stupid fricking roads suck. But, it looks like this was a pop up thunderstorm.
Must go Study.