My True Soul

Friends and HC

Sarah's birthday was on Tuesday the 30th. I don't like the fact I can't be with her, but this is her 3rd birthday that's been like that...unfortunately, you get used to it. I woke up that morning, SO totally focused on writing something and taking some pictures for her birthday, that I forgot my friend/acquaintance Mandy was marrying Jacin that day. I felt bad cause I didn't remember they were getting married until 12 noon which was 30 minutes before the wedding and the only reason I remembered then is because MSU has a Chapel that rings bells - thus I thought of Wedding Bells. They've been together almost as long as Sarah and I have.
I wrote her a fairly long letter, just telling her some of my thoughts, how much I love her. I wrote her again the other day just because I'd been thinking about her a lot. I feel so completely alone at times.
Lily said it's part of growing up and I suppose it is, but no matter what, it's an adjustment all the same.
I talk to basically 5 people that lived in my hometown; Amanda, Lily, Shorty, Kat, and Fetty.
Amanda I don't trust completely, but we're cool other than that (but that is kinda a BIG thing).
Lily always seems to be busy doing something else with someone else, and it's something that I don't do or agree with...but she's in the process of changing, in the process of realizing that some people aren't her friends at all.
Shorty's busy with school, which is understandable, but she will talk still, which is nice.
Fetty is 12 hours away, I really miss him, he's one of the few people that can make me feel so much better just by hugging me.
I only crave hugs from Sarah, she's been the only person that I've ever had the guts to ask for a hug with, not like I had to, but I just wanted to hug her so much just because.
And then, there's Kat. Yes, Kat. Who confuses me so much for so many different reasons. She's too busy normally, but I saw her yesterday, she practically tackled me to hug me. Told me I was going to the HC dance, then a slow song came on at the dance and I got carried away into thought land and I was sad... the next fast song comes on, her and Amy RUN, grab my hands, pull me up and drag me back to be with them. That's kinda what I mean when I say I want someone that'll hug me even when I say I don't want to be touched.
I slow-danced with a girl for the first time ever too. *gasp* like Lily did. I don't know, that really isn't something I even thought about when I did it, it just happened. I kinda wanted the first girl I slow-danced with to be Sarah, but it wasn't. It was Amy. So, the next question. Are you attracted to Amy? Do you like Amy? No to both. Amy's actually pretty cute, she's really nice, she's one of the few people that I've been able to be really comfortable talking to right off, a guy would be lucky to have her as a gf....but... lol. There's no reason for me not to like her, but there's no reason for me to like her either. And if I had of been attracted to Amy, I wouldn't have been able to just dance with her, lol, I woulda chickened out.
Kat asked me if I joined my club, lol. I was like yes, I actually did. She started smiling and gave me high five for it. Then she was like "it was all because me, wasn't it!"
OH MY GOODNESS!!!
Things at BHS have changed as far as the whole dancing thing. There were girls there freak dancing with one another, practically humping one another's legs. My only thought was "crap, why now, after I'm gone?" I... whoa. That's just a big thing for BHS. I was in complete shock, but, I wasn't complaining. Yes, I know, how perverted of me.
Kat also was humped last night by one of her acquaintances. I just kinda looked at her like "Erm, yeah... well then". I was prolly the only one there that really does like girls, but I wasn't doing that. I just had this raised eyebrow expression when I saw that. It was a minute or 2 after that, Kat walked over, put her head on my shoulder... told me she was cold and she felt harassed so I had to hug her for a bit and tell her I was sorry, lol.
Mrs. Burns has officially adopted me. I told her Sharon (Lily's mom) had adopted me too, along with Alesha (Amanda's mom), and Fetty's mom. Then Kat's like "and my mom too!! And you're my sister anyways" and put her arm around me. I don't know if anyone knows how much that meant to me... I went into that "Awwww too in awww mode to say anything" Then after the dance, I waited for Kat's mom to get there before I left, cause... I drive, they don't... and it was cold, it'd suck to be out there alone. Her mom was asking me how college was going and I told her great. She said it was probably better than being around all those idiots and pointed to Kat and her friend, lol. Then I told her what I had in my classes, she said that was really great and that I could do it. I said I hoped I could keep it up for the rest of the year. She looked at me, "you'll do great, all 4 years, I don't ever doubt that." That meant a lot. I didn't know she thought that highly of me or had that much faith in me. It really helps hearing people say that when people in my own family doubt that I'll make it or they tell my parents they would have never helped me go through college. (My uncle Jerry for ya)
Yeah, My Unc told my Dad he wouldn't have let me go anywhere but UNA. For the same price if not a little less, I'm going to a better school...much better. And he woulda never done as much for any of his kids. My dad, that really pissed him off, he just paused for a moment, then said "No Jerry, you wouldn't have."
My Unc thinks you should kick your kids out at 18 no matter what. And he talks about how his 2nd son, Cletus is going to a community college and getting a engineering type of major. How that's helped him to make more money, yet he "forgets" to mention how my cousin Cletus has tried to committ suicide 3 times this year. (Found that out from my dad's sister). Cletus is the only decent kid of my Unc. Jerry's. He's the only one that really acts like I do... he's really shy, quite, reserved, etc.
Back to Kat's mom though, I don't know what it is about her, but I just really really like her a lot. I think it's cause she knows all about me, the real me, and she still is so nice to me. I'm not scared of her. Her and Sharon are the ones that I'll probably end up talking to when and if it's time to tell my parents about myself. My my, lol... they'll prolly be pretty annoyed cause so many of my friends and THEIR momma's know. Last time, they asked who all knew...which I found to be weird, I only told them Amanda did though. Now... lol. Fetty and his mom, Joby and I think his ex gf, Jake and his gf (he was gonna go out to lunch with me one day and it kinda bothered her... he's like "she doesn't like my type - male" and his gf was like "Ohhhh, well... aight, go ahead!!!"), Shorty knows, Lily and her mom, Kat and her mom, oh, and Adam knows... but I didn't tell him... he just kinda figured it out. Ahh! Yes, I love Adam/Hepher's momma too! I dun know why, I just always have.
I now have an older brother and a younger sister. I guess I should tell Sarah this.
Ah, and Kat turns 16 first out of all her friends... so last night, she's like "now I'll know how it'll feel to be you..." I dun know. She brought up me letting her drive my car. Amy didn't quite get how rare that was and how big of a deal that was. No one else drives my car but my parents. I trusted Kat to, I prolly would trust Fetty to, but, I wouldn't trust Sarah to drive it (sorry babes). It's only cause I know Sarah's not drove many things though. Kat was like me, go kart, tractor, lawnmower, motorcycles... cars come pretty easy after all that. The Amy asks if she can drive my car, I was like "no, I'm sorry, but no." THEN Kat reminds me about Amy driving Adam's blazer, catching air, stomping on the breaks, then doing a 180 when they landed, barely missing this lil wall. I looked at Amy again, "I'm sorry, but... HELL NO"

And tonight, I leave all of you who read this with this one quote:
"You have it easily in your power to increase the sum total of this world's happiness now. How? By giving a few words of sincere appreciation to someone who is lonely or discouraged. Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime."
-- Dale Carnegie
At least, those words sure do remain in my mind for a long time afterwards.