My True Soul

Aftermath? haha

IT'S THE WEEKEND!!! Yeah... and... why the hell is my phone going off...oh, okay... my mom left a voice mail. (Haha, it was the weekend....)

I should probably write about Sarah and I cause, well, lol... maybe that's why most of you people read this. I don't know. Anyways, I talked to her last night for about 2 hours. How did that go? It was fun, she had like a list of 7 topics that she wanted to tell me about, and she said she enjoyed talking to me. As I did her. Does this mean that I'm jumping to conclusions that we might get back together soon? No. I don't want to even if she did, but she doesn't. She just misses talking to her best friend, one of them at least. Things are still kinda... odd... but, did I expect them not to be? No. I was just amazed at how much better and how much fun I had talking to her Thurs. night compared to... Tuesday night. Anyways, she likes this guy more now...that still kinda got to me, but then I was like... I have no reason or no right to let that get to me... but I'm still not completely over her... yeah... like I would be in less than a week, haha. But, I was just like "She can do whatever, I don't have to worry about it, because.... I'M FREE!"
I feel so bad for that in a way. Carms told me it was like I was so liberated now, I am. And, I like who I am becoming. And the way I know to best explain this is that Sarah and I, we were supposed to be together for that time period, we learned, we grew together, we made it through things, we have a connection that is pretty damn awesome, but what if we weren't supposed to be lovers? What if we fought this and tried to stay together just because, then, one day, we just snapped? Or we were together, had kids, and weren't in love with one another anymore? That'd be horrible. Basically, we broke up to see if we'd ever be together again in the future, that's how I see it. Better to explore now than to want to explore when we'd made an even more serious commitment.
So, am I taking this well? Pretty much so. Have I really cried a lot? No, just the one tear. I sobbed once... right after it happened. This girl meant so much to you, you were so in love with her, why aren't you crying your eyes out?!?! Simple, I didn't loose her. She still means so much to me, I still love her, and I still care about her. She is still one of my best friends. Now, if I'd lost her completely, goodness... that still makes my heart sink.
So, there you have it. How I feel, what happened sorta. I did do something that really stuck with her, ironically, I sincerely apologized for it, finally having realized my mistake after a year almost, right before she dumped me, lol. Oh well, too late, I need to mature some too, I think I will, I just don't think I could in time for her. Maybe later.

I have to talk about my friend Fetty. I asked him if it'd be alright if Sarah could talk to him in case she was worried about me, he agreed, then told me to tell her she could even call him if she wanted. He's such a sweetheart. Anyways, I IMed him last night... I didn't even say anything that sounded miserable. So, he called me this morning right as I was getting up to leave my 1st class... why? Just because he thought I'd been upset and he was concerned. You know... I love him for stuff like that. That meant so much, just to have him be that concerned.

Yes, Kat, she's supposed to be my best girl friend, right.... whatever. Fetty called her house on Tuesday afternoon/morning and asked her MOM to have her call me. She didn't. She talked to him on Wednesday, he asked her if she had, she said she hadn't cause she was too busy. He did this cause he KNEW she'd make me feel better. Just because she cared to call. Well, she did write. But the more I think about everything, the more I get annoyed. She's supposed to be my best friend. She's supposed to be there for me when I get dumped. Yeah, whatever. Sarah's more here for me than Kat and that just stricks me as weird. Sarah cares more about my well being through all of this and it's not just cause she feels bad... I know that because I know her, it's because she truly cares and knows how depressed I was before all this.

Anyways... I wanna go shoe shopping....
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And I found new shoes. And some new socks. I'm happy now...except I have this cut on my foot that REALLY hurts.

I did join the GLBF group at MSU. I posted fliers the other night and met the presidente of the group. His name is Richard... he's so sweet, lol. Gay, so definitely sweet. =D I don't know, it was nice to go to class today and to see this other guy and someone acknowledge me. It was really really nice when I saw Richard and he stopped to talk to me, that... just... yay. =) And I saw another guy that is in the group, but didn't go to the meeting, it was that awkward moment when we both wanted to say something but didn't... cause, yeah. I liked that.

There's this Gay Camp, basically, in November, it's on the weekend. "It's hosted by a buncha lesbians in ______" And I don't remember the town, just that it's about 2 days away. It's an all weekend kinda thing and it sounds like fun. I wanna go and Fetty just told me to tell my parents that I was gonna be busy with homework that weekend. I feel bad about lying to them, lol, haha, yes... I really do feel bad. But, I think that'd be great fun.

And there's a party the 2nd weekend of Nov. with drinking and all that. I'm not really big into that, at all...nope. But, it'll be a way to meet people, considering, there normally are people there from Ole Miss, USM, MUW, MSU, and UA. And maybe not all of them will be totally drunk. I guess supposedly I could drink now. I made that promise to Sarah that I wouldn't until I was 21. And she really doesn't have any control over me anymore. But, she is a best friend still, a promise is a promise. And why do I want to start drinking now? I have no reason. It only makes one delay dealing with problems (if that's why they choose to drink) and I believe you should try your best to deal with your problems as they happen. Or else they build up so much and you keep them hidden until you finally burst and that's not pretty.

ARGH, My parents ARE definitely coming down the 2nd weekend. MSU plays Bama. My mom and her best friend are Bama fans. And... ggrrr, maybe they'll come down that Sat. morning and the party, I think, is the 7th. Goodness.

I had the weirdest dreams the other night. First one, I dreamed I slept with Ben Stiller..... I don't even think he's cute. The next one was I dated and made out with the hot girl in my sociology class. Coincidently, she was the one to make the first move. That was hot. The next one, I slept beside/cuddled with this really really really really hot girl and her name started with an A? Yes... so... and she was so... I don't know. That one made me feel so happy and like I was special. She was just.... too good to be true, and hey, she was... she was a dream.

I wanna start looking for other girls to date, closer to here. I just...I think most people wouldn't mind having me as a friend, but I just don't think many girls would want to date me. I have very little confidence in that. So, why should I even try? Why not just give up and be a bachlor? Because now, I have my own place, if I want them to come over, spend the night in my bed and cuddle and make out, I don't have to worry about my parents. If they wanna come pick me up, bring flowers, open the door for me, act like it is completely a real date... who cares here? Oh, ergh, neighbors. But... still.

Here's a confession. I think my online buddy Mandi is hot...very. She's changed and she keeps getting more hot. It's... goodness. Seriously, she is so hot, lol. And now, I can say that and not worry about things. She just showed me a picture of her and her niece.... wow. Her niece is sssooooo cute too. (Notice the too) I don't know, I just don't think she's ever been interested in me. Anyways, she's still a lil too far off. She lives in Georgia. I'm thinking TN, AL, MS. Yep. Anyways.

I'm outta here like a buttered bowling ball!!