My True Soul

Insomnolent

Monday night was not a fun night, that's for sure. I talked to Sarah, she was in a bad pissy mood. I have no patience right now for that. I got so mad and so upset. And I just, I realize now there are several things that could be so much better in the person I choose to have a relationship with. I don't know. Part of my anger is probably just because of the timing and all. But really, it seemed as if she just wanted to start a fight with me. (And now, after being in psychology today...I think I know why and I'm glad that I'm so stubborn...I'm still not gonna give up on her.)

On the other hand, Jess was like "ya know, if I was gay, we'd be the perfect couple" um, yep, pretty much, except our political views are opposite completely. Religious views are the same though. I just thought it was funny. I wub Jess. I really do. I wub Jess, Eric/Fetty, Shorty, Lily, April, Carms, and many others. Those are the ones that come to mind.

I talked to Sarah tonight, told her about several hot girls that I saw. Oh well, it's like she couldn't be outdone or something. I give up. I need to get over it. I don't wanna talk to her in a way. I started to avoid her tonight. But, what good would that do? Now's a critical time in many ways. I was kinda worried about her cause she was sssooo suicidal last night, so she said. She probably was.

Proud of you April for not doing something...know you'll read this eventually. You'll know why too. The cement tho... that's still kinda bad...but how much can I say? Anyways, when you read this, remind me to ask you the stuff Lily wanted to know and explain why. And ask the thing I wanna ask, lol. It'll all be clear. And it's not bad.

I talked to this girl the other day from Nova Scotia, lol. She completely dazzled me with her personality. Name's Emily, which is one of my all time fav names. Not like that'll go anywhere. Just... one chunk of her personality... I fell in love with it, and yes, that fast. Not in love with her, just that part of her personality. Actually, she has the type of eyes that literally scare me. I've always been scared of them. =/ Anyways. She had a poem from Robert Frost on her profile. She was so intune to nature like I am. And, haha, she broke up with this guy she'd dated for 3 years. This happened about 2 months ago. Why did they break up? Same reason Sarah and I did. She got dumped too.

And then there's Celina. Which, I still am learning about her. She's gonna be a psychologist too and all this other stuff. She's really nice. She really wants to talk to me again tomorrow.

Mandi told me to come see her and she'd help me find a girl. *grins*

There are so many horror movies I wanna see, darn. 28 Days Later and I have a date tommooooorrrow!!!

And I love my dad at times. He just called me, just because he hadn't heard from me today. He was the dad that...I don't know, just the one that I look up to. That's.... goodness. Oh well.

There's also an Improv thing going on in the Dawghouse that I wanna go to. It sounded like fun, crap, I missed Drew Carey. You know what, I need to call this guy and see if I can be a bell ringer for the salvation army. I can freeze my booty off some nights/days.

I have random thoughts because I need sleep. This is my brains way of telling me I need sleep. So, last week I deprived myself of food. This week it's sleep? I so would have went to bed at 7 pm if I could have fallen asleep then. I would have loved to have fell asleep then. Now it's almost midnight and I'm not sleepy.

I feel like I'm missing something, something big. Something important. Part of me feels hollow. Part of me doesn't feel real. It'll pass.
I made some comment to Sarah about the fact I had dibs on a gun cause she'd asked to borrow one so she could shoot herself. It scared her I think. (Which, Jess pointed out that it probably made her feel like it does me when she says stuff like that, so it was probably fair, especially considering I wasn't serious) It's like this...I have times where I am so depressed feeling that it's not funny, normally I have this deep inner voice telling me not to focus on suicide. I have phases and I don't think Sarah ever got the fact that I have always had these phases. Anyway, I lost control not too long ago, April knows what I mean... she's the only person who knows. That's been the worst, besides the time I went and actually got the gun...yeah. Right now, I'm living alone, I have a gun, and I could so easily kill myself. But I don't want to, not really. And if I ever have that feeling of not trusting myself, all I gotta do is let someone like Fetty know, he'll call me at random times and make sure I'm still aight. He did that last week.

Yes... campus today. So many cute girls and I was just smiling like crazy. I...feel...sleepiness...maybe. I'm gonna go read some psych and hope for the best.
I'm still somewhat terrified to sleep on my bed cause of those huge bugs, but I might break down tonight and go? It might be good for me to sleep there. No, who am I kidding, I'll lay down, think about those bugs crawling on me at night and be restless... that's worse. Bye Bye.