My True Soul

Will never give up

There are certain things I understand about life and accept. There are other things that I understand but don't accept. I understand how one can hate oneself. I did and still do at times. I understand that the really truly good people in this world never seem to know it. I understand why Sarah can hate herself so, I understand...I see her point of view...I felt the same way for other reasons about myself. She doesn't see why anyone should or could care about her so much. That hurts me and others. Carms said it, "I just wish she could see how much you care about her." I wish she could see how much anyone cares about her. I cared about her so much as a friend, I wanted her for my girlfriend, so I finally decided it was time for me to be brave and ask someone out, I chose her. I began to fall so deep in love with her that I felt I could spend the rest of my life with her. I decided that I wouldn't regret having sex with her when and if the time was ever right. I cared and loved her so much, I wanted to marry her, I wanted to come in from working and see her, everyday. I wanted to wake up beside her every morning and look at her face and know she was mine. And now, after she broke up with me, after me thinking things were so perfect, most people have said it was "f'ed up". Many people think it's just wrong, that we were some super couple, and we should still be together. Admittedly, yes, I have some resentment, but I've tried my hardest not to take my pain and hurt out on her. Why? Why don't I just let her have it, yell at her, etc.? Because I still care about her, just as much as ever, she is now my best buddy Sarah. I don't accept being like most people would and letting my pain prevent me from caring about her. We no longer have the status of being each others girlfriend, we no longer say I love you, we don't flirt, and all that, but do you really have to do that to love someone? No. She is at the status of those friends that are so close, that you love so much, they may as well be family. I do not accept defeat in this matter of caring about her. If she chooses to believe that I must be breathing in some kinda weird fumes that make me unable to realize she's not worthy of my care, okay...I'll keep trying to show her that I genuinely care about her. I don't know what to do at times, I really don't.

So, if you care about Sarah so much, why aren't you chasing after her? Why don't you want to be with her again right now? Why are you thinking about all these other girls? We both need to see if we're right for each other, if so, it'll work out. I don't want to be with her again right now because I swore I'd never do the whole "break up one day, get back together the next". If I break up with someone, it's gonna be final for a while. Secondly, we need to date other people and I know that once I get married, I really don't want to get a divorce. I'm thinking about all these girls because I'm trying to get over Sarah, because I'm trying to see what other personalities in girls I might like, and supposedly girls hit their sexual peak around age 19-21. I suppose that's coming up for me. One month and one week. So, yeah, I'm noticing more often now.

Anyway. This morning, I stayed up and tried the best I could for it being 3 am and me feeling so weird (perhaps I felt so down because Sarah was? Yes, we still have that connection) to write Sarah's history paper for her. I hope it was alright, I know it wasn't as good as I coulda done because of the time and all. But, yah, I wrote a lil over 2 pages for her...it was like 3 pages and a quarter. Why? Cause I was the one who distracted her and kept her talking to me.

Now I wanna go sleep some. Then wake up and read my sociology, then work on my psychology. And perhaps later I'll start my outline of notes for one of my music chapters - it's a 100 pages long. But of course, right now, my computer keeps flickering and all this stupid stuff, makes it very annoying to try to write anything. That's one reason it took me so long last night and I got so tired of writing. Hrm, so maybe I'll wait and do that over Fall Break, that'd be a good time...right before finals...=/ Blergh, math final, that sucks. And I gotta get my butt up early tomorrow and go register for classes....I need to make out a 2nd schedule, something, just in case I can't get what I want and when I want. Must make a list of this stuff. And Friday, I'll clean. Yes.

Juwanna Mann...I love that movie, lol. Anyway, have a good day!