My True Soul

Party this weekend

I decided what to do this weekend about my "not accepting things." I haven't completed my plan yet, but I will soon enough.

Saturday morning my parents and my mom's best friend came down. MSU vs. Uni. of Alabama football game. MSU lost something like 38-0, it sucked. Anyways, the "gay party" if you will, was Saturday night. (More importantly, my chance to see Amanda again...) Well, my parents and their friend went to bed fairly early. Around 11 (the party started at 10) I told my mom I was gonna go to the campus to look at the full moon, which, I did. But, right before I left, my dad got up from his like 2 hour nap...that meant he'd wait around on me to get home, I knew it. I didn't go to the party until around midnight cause, it looked like a buncha guys and all. Well, by the time I did go, I really didn't have much time to stay due to my father. But, I went, dropped in, said hey to Richard and Kenny.

Kenny intro'd me to the only hard core butch at the party....*whimpers* Anyway, I went in, Richard offered me some Vodka...but I don't drink. Many people wanna assume I don't drink cause I'm too much of goody two shoes, if that's the terminology you prefer. I would have when I was 16, made that promise to Sarah, she released me of it the other day also... but I just don't have much of a desire to drink alcohol. I want to be weird and not drink til I'm 21 and even then, when I can drink as much as humanly possible, I don't wanna drink too much. Maybe just try different things from time to time. Anyways, I stayed for about 20 minutes. There were a few cute girls. One was dancing, goodness... yummy.... k. Another one was pressed up against the wall and was mad as hell. The 3rd was sitting on the couch with some other girl.

Anyways, the smell of alcohol was getting to me, so I went back outside, didn't wanna stand around too much longer cause of my dad, also cause I didn't really wanna look so hopelessly pathetic. Mostly tho, cause of my dad. Richard was like "you're leaving so soon?" "Yeah, I've got people waiting on me back at my place" "Well, thanks for dropping by...I'm sorry there were many lesbians here.... Amanda's supposed to be getting here soon and bringing a bunch of the girls from the Rugby team..." ME = AARRRGGGHHHH!!! No, I didn't do that actually.... I was... oh my goodness. I wanted to be like "REALLY?!? She's coming? Okay, I'll stay!" Yah, ok, that wouldn't be at ALL obvious that I was attracted to her, would it? And then, my dad, that came to me... and... oooo, I walked back to my car growling at myself. Got in my car, released the frustration. Then I whimpered until I got back... then I came in and went to bed.

*whimpers* I wanna tell Kenny "Okay, takes for the introduction, but... my type... if you were trying to set me up, is... AMANDA... ok...? Or this girl *points to the one against the wall*, etc.

I told Sarah I didn't even have a chance with Amanda.... she was just like "If I had a chance with you, you've got a chance with her."

I don't know. It's gonna be a challenge, in a way, for me to meet girls. I'm quiet/shy, soft-spoken, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I'm old-fashioned, I'm pretty simple. And maybe not drinking and not smoking doesn't seem like a big deal...but here, most people smoke, and it's college, so a lot of girls drink. About the only places to go where you can be around many lesbians/bis is a club = drinking and smoking and dancing. I'll dance by myself or I'll slow dance, but... thas it. I don't know if anyone would want that in someone they dated... I have no clue. Sometimes, it feels like I'm alone.

Oh well.