Personal Journal

Fitting and Peace

When potential begins to materialize into talent.

Tonight was a major advance toward harmony and fulfillment for Jean and I.
The other night, after I wrote the entry “Transvestite Blues” I was stuck, stuck knowing that I really needed to talk to Jean about it (Jean knows of that interest, and has been accepting).
So the next night or two later we were talking … hell, I’m giving too much background because I’m writing to my readers. Tonight, you’ll just have to try to keep up.
Had a good chat with her about my needs that night. My heart has softened, and I feel – I believe – that my inherent fears about expressing myself have lied latent, beneath my own ability to see them. And when I rose above my fears the other day in talking to Jean about my needs, I found her accepting, even welcoming.

And so we found ourselves talking for a long time tonight, about sexual interaction, and about being who we are, as a couple. I characterized it and still do as the best conversation that I’ve ever had with someone I love.
I do love her, I’ve never lost sight of that. Chemically, I find myself feeling light around her (only we’ve fought so much lately).
Talking to her tonight, I felt that lightness, that electric buzzing in my soul that feels like home, comfort, belonging, instead of just longing.
If I spoke recently… AS I spoke recently of giving the success of the relationship too much credit because of its potential, I would like to point out to myself today that the potential was realized, and it was heart-warming.

I can’t wait to get home, and to give her a deep embrace. I can’t wait to sit at our table and work a puzzle and be quiet together. Of course I can’t wait to make love again. But I can’t wait to be with her.

I have a prayer today, that we learn to be masters of our fears. I pray that we learn to repress these and live with our hearts open. I pray that we learn to understand before we seek to be understood. I pray that the thread of love weaves itself around us and makes us a family, warm and true and strong in one another. I pray that god help me and help Jean bring fulfillment to one another’s lives.

And I thank god, as usual, for the many blessings I have in my life.



It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn