My True Soul

We're not exactly the Brady Bunch

And my family is now in town for the next few days. Yay for me. I did realize something rather important on Christmas Eve. My mom's friend Gina isn't family and I know she believes in me. It makes me want to cry to know that she feels as strongly as she does, but yet, has no family related reason to. And I want to cry because my family, who is supposed to feel that way, doesn't.

It saddens me to know that Fetty believes in me, when he has no reason to and he has only known me briefly when get to the bottom of it. It saddens me that other people who are just my friends tell me I'm so strong when, I don't see it.

I had to go see my grandmother today. It's the first christmas I've been around her in... 7 years? Something like that. For my birthday, she let me read these letters she wrote when I was... like 4? And then the other she wrote that day. Reading those...it made me feel so much, so many mixed emotions. I wanted to scream at her for lying. I wanted to cry because I wanted to believe she loved me. I wanted to just rip them up because they sounded so fake. I wanted to cry because she just left me for 6 years of my life. 6 years where I could have used a grandmother. I wanted to yell at her and say everything I wouldn't dare say because of everything she said about my dad, even though he annoys me at times. I wanted to scream because of how much of a hypocrite she is. Tonight, she gave us gifts... mostly it was stuff she bought on her trips n didn't know who to give to. But, you know, people do their best. I got kinda upset when there was only one thing that she gave my dad. And I really didn't want to go...I didn't want to see her, I had no desire. But, I think... after we opened all of our presents this morning, I put on some kinda mask and just went through the rest of the day. She was talking about how she should come see me and quite frankly, I don't want her to.

And this all makes me wonder, should I feel this harshly? Should I just let it go? Maybe I am making too big of a deal, maybe it wasn't anything. At these times, I wish I could be like Fetty is. He seems to be able to let go of most things. I have major trust issues. Very few know me fully as I've stated before. And tonight, I told April about all the nice things that run through my blood. It just... all at once... I don't know. I don't question when I do that too much, normally, it's just me letting down another wall or showing another part of me.

My aunt and uncle came down. I just grinned and bared it. Actually, I spent most my time while they were here talking to Skylar, Fetty, Sarah, Shorty. My dad got into a rant about my mom's brother, which, is so much like his brother... =P It was rather hilarious. But, I like my aunt, still. My mom was talking about us going to see my grandmother and I just did this disgusted rolling eyes look, my aunt was like "I feel for you" and it was sincere. The stuff with them goes back to... March? Something like that. My uncle is constantly making snide comments about stuff lately n that pisses one off.

I started thinking about all my family and my friends. I am so angry on the very inner core of me that I feel like ripping something apart. I feel so out of place. Part of me is... just... happy as can be. But, the rest, woo. The inside of me, it's like warning everyone to stay away. Of course at the moment I was getting the pissiest acting, someone hugged me... n that... yeah. It calms me down a lot and it's what I really truly want when I feel like that. I've just developed a headache since I began writing about all of this. So stressed out about it.

My mom's friend and her mother... goodness. This is something else that's been bugging the crap out of me. Last night, well, night before last... her mom looks at me "Are there many good looking guys at MSU?" Hi, hello, I said "no" because there's not many good looking guys to me period in the first place, lol. Then she rambled on about how I should find me a guy and blah blah since I was in college. Pissed me off because I didn't go to college to find a boyfriend nor did I really go to find a girlfriend. Aye, college, the relationship factor of it was "hey, I can be... MYSELF!" Mostly at least. My dad was offended by that. Then he said "she doesn't care about that too much, just focusing on her studies." Well, that annoyed me, lol, perhaps it shouldn't have, but it just made me think of how hard it will be to tell him "hey, dad, your daughter is bi" n, haha, yeah.... i still haven't decided if i actually should just be like "i'm a lesbian, hi!" haha.

Then, as if that wasn't enough. Steph W. is married and pregnant. Cyndi is the same. Mandy and Jacin are married. Mmm, several other people. Then, my cousin Malana is married now. My identical twin cousins... Jennifer and Crystal... ya. Jennifer's married, Crystal's got a baby. It makes me feel ssssooo frickin old!! And I was just telling my grandmother that, you know, conversation. She's like "I was married and had Johnny (oldest son)" by your age. Then she's like "Your mom was married by the time she was 19 and a half". I was just.... still thinking about it all. And my grandmother.... "do you wanna know someone".... n i stood looking at her blankly - like a deer in headlights. Answered no. Right now, I have no clue, lol. Anyways, I mentioned this to Sarah, which... I didn't even get the chance to finish half of it before she's like "What guys?". *wrinkles brow* Yeah, whatever.

I suppose I should let this go, no big deal. But I guess it just reminds me they might not be okay with it when I bring home a girl to meet them. Heh. Sarah said if she ever met my dad n I was about to come out to the, had, whatever, that she was gonna either like let some sorta sex toy fall out of a pocket, something, or just start making out with me in front of them. Stangely enough, I'd be alright with that as long as I didn't have a gf at the time cause I have a feeling we could do that and not let it mean more.

*sighs* I have to go eat breakfast with my aunt and uncle in.... 3 hours? Yeah, something like that.

Oh my god, my dad actually backed up my religious views. Was quite funny. My mom was fussing at me sorta cause she wants me to believe. I'm still not sure if I do. I mean, sometimes, I do. Other times, I wonder. I have a lot of things I wonder about. Perhaps I will figure it out one day. Right now, I have more personal things. Like not cutting again, not thinking about blowing my brains out, dealing with my family crapola, n finishing getting over Sarah. Which, yeah, I think I have. But, aye, as soon as I say that, she'll do something that makes me be like "whoa, I miss that". *rolls eyes* Anyways, could really really get used to just getting kisses on the cheek.

As far as my whole... girl situation... heh. Yeah. I talked to Skylar today, normal stuff with her, let it go. Halee called, left a voice mail, wished me a merry christmas. Talked to Sarah, she, something is up there, cause I know it wasn't completely me who caused that awkwardness. And I talked to Kim the other night, it was like talking to a stranger. Been talking to Mandi most everynight, she's a nut, n she'll listen to me. She was the one I chose to talk to the other day when Miss April asked me to just talk to someone. I haven't seen Amanda. Skylar thinks it would be a great idea for me to ask her out on a date. Pretty woman, 2-3 years older than me, senior in college, n me asking her out? Oh yeah... greatness. I'd be stuttering so damn much. I get like that when... yeah...I'm interested or if something really catches me off guard... I'll just say junk that doesn't make sense. Sarah picked on me tonight for that even.... n it wasn't NOTICABLE with her, yet, she knew. Made me be all "damnit". That's kinda what bites about being with someone as long as I was with Sarah, they end up knowing all this stuff about you, including very personal stuff and habits. *rolls eyes*
I'm gonna go relax n prolly fall asleep for a bit. If I stay in the living room, I'm sure to be woke up. Ergh, stupid stomach is gonna growl. I don't know why, it got fed today enough.