My True Soul

Ups & Downs of 2003

Looking to the Past - 2003

I figured that I may as well look back into the past year and see what events I remember and what things impacted me and who I am now.

January
Confusion from Sarah involving Jonas. Fetty's Dad had just passed away. I started talking more to him. Kat moved here and we started talking. It was basketball season still. Sarah and I had some problems with her liking Jonas, I was ready to let her go, somewhat, and see what would happen there. I felt awful about Fetty's dad and I didn't go to the visitation. Perhaps I should of, but I have this quirky things with visitations. I really dislike them now. Kat moved here around the 7thish, she just had turned 15, was in my yearbook class. For 2 weeks I kept looking at her, thinking how cute she was, thinking how nice she seemed, and I had a million questions. Once I found out how nice she was, Dani and I decided to ask her to do something one night. And that's how that friendship began.

February
Lily's dad died. She never seemed to act like she really cared. She still talks about him sometime like he's alive. She said he hadn't been a father to her for the last 2 years, but it's so apparent sometimes that she does miss him. Sarah and I hit 2 years. She became super depressed. I was majorly stressed and felt like my whole life was slipping away. I couldn't handle that much. That was when I began to realize I couldn't stop her physically. I remember having a headache pretty much the whole month of February due to having so much crapola to do. I do believe this was when I decided to tell Kat I was bi, because for some odd reason I felt close to her and that I could trust her greatly. We bonded during this month.

March
I don't remember March too well. Wait, hah, okay... yes, now I do. March is when Sarah and I almost broke up. Cause of Jonas once again. He constantly was telling her to dump me. And she finally realized to gain back my trust she was gonna have to do something major or allow it to take a long time. She decided to stop talking to him, I didn't ask her to. Finally she began talking to him again. That was probably one of the worst pains I've ever felt.

April
It was Prom. It was the 3 Doors Down concert. It was the month in which I decided where I would be going to college. Got closer to Fetty, obviously. The tension started building between Shorty and I. Great concert though. And Amanda and I started talking more and I realized she was changing and getting more mature in ways. I finally began to forgive her for the things that happened so long ago it seems, but that I remember so vividly still. Ah, also Fetty told me he was moving in June, which really kinda depressed me in a way.

May
GRADUATION!!!! "One day we went to Kindergarten and they just now decided to release us!!!!!! WE'RE FREE! Class of 2003!" Other than that, some of the other stuff continued into May. Ah, wait, my grandmother decided to have soemthing to do with my family after not having anything to do with us since I was in grade 7. No one in my family besides my grandmother and uncle showed up for my graduation. My uncle talked about his divorce the whole time.

June
Fetty was moving. I hated that, but I knew that we'd stay friends, it's never crossed my mind that we wouldn't. Shorty and I had somewhat started to talk about things, but not really. I spent most of that time just relaxing if I remember right. That's also when Ali started changing so much. And when I had college orientation...began to hit me I was starting college.

July
I saw Sarah. I was so nervous, so happy, so worried, and so sad all at once. That seriously was one of the best times of my life. I finally could hold her. I sat holding her in my arms and crying... not letting her know I was crying. I don't think she ever knew why I cried. Finally to be with someone you really loved. After so long. To hold someone who fit into your arms. And to have someone look at you and it grab the breath from within your lungs. Some nights now, I miss it all, and I want so badly to just hold someone or have someone just be affectionate...but, some nights... I do have that. I just don't want to take advantage of it. The later part of this month was also when I began to talk to April more. And I realized that we had several things in common. It's also when I had several confusing days when I thought about her and wondered if I liked her or if I just thought I did. I find this month to be interesting. It was also the month in which Shorty and I talked about stuff and started trying to work things out.

August
I moved away. I had my own place. I had to move and was living somewhere without my parents. Nor do I have a roommate. I also don't know anyone there but Neal. College started and I was scared for a bit. It took some adjusting. And at the time, Sarah was someone/something in my life that hadn't changed. But, in reality things had changed. She started wanting me to change and, etc.

September
It was a fairly calm month, in a way. I'd finally been with Sarah, I was in college and enjoying it, finding it to be alright, and I was getting used to being by myself more. Was worried about her. Then I spoke to her on the 9th. I just, coldness. I let her say she loved me first that day, cause, I just... something was wrong. I went on with things, figuring there was something that was going on. But, silly me didn't say anything. Also began realizing who my true friends were. That caused me to go through a lot. And I really got kinda down towards the end of the month.

October
I hadn't spoke to Sarah in over a month. I finally did, we talked normal and I was so happy to talk to her in a way. But, I guess I knew something was wrong. I was upset and knew I needed to talk to her about everything, cause she was my gf and... yeah she normally made me feel better when no one else could. I ended up spending the whole night of the 12th talking to April about everything with Sarah. We're talking from midnight til around 7 am. Then, later that day, Sarah dumped me. I knew it was coming. I point blank asked her if that's what she was wanting to do. I took it better than she thought I would, that was obvious. Sometimes now, I wonder if I really did. But at other times, I knew it was time. Perhaps this was when I cut for the first time? I don't remember for sure.

November
I really don't remember the first part of the month. Perhaps I will later. I may have blocked it out for the time. The later part of the month, was bad. Holding a gun, looking at it, wanting to shoot myself. Cutting myself again. I have stopped banging my head mostly. Good part of it was that I did finally tell April I like her. Was glad it didn't freak her out. Was shocked that she'd had a crush on me. Was also the month in which Sarah decided she'd start being really sweet to me again on occasions. And the month where I swore I almost heard her say 3 words which made my heart twist and wither with pain.

December
1 yr anniversay of Fetty's dad. 19th birthday. Realization moreso of who my friends were. Talks to Sarah and the process continued of getting over her completely. I didn't cut myself this month. Talked to April more about stuff with me liking her. With Sarah, I risked screwing up with her. With April, if it's meant to be, it will be... right now, perhaps it is a sign that something should happen. And part of me really wants something to. Another part tells me not to screw up my chances with her right now, to wait until everything would have the best opportunity of working out cause I know if I got a chance with her that I wouldn't want to screw it up. That's been on my mind often enough. I've also thought about other girls, but I don't keep coming back to my thoughts of them like I do with her.

This year of 2003 was an emotional roller coaster for me. Death, Suicide, Love, Hate, Break Ups, Truth/Honesty, Loyality. All of those themes came into play. I had 2 of the greatest experiences happen in my life this year. I also came the closest I ever have to ending my life and meeting the 2nd time I've ever really really wanted to die. A year full of headaches, frustrations, no sleep, sleeping all the time, anger, annoyances, realizations, and finding parts of myself.

My new years resolutions...I have yet to make all of them.

How did I spend New Years? At home, barely. Went out to eat, went shopping, walked around our college here, and watched Stuck On You with Shorty. Came home around 15 til midnight. That was it. Boring and simple, pretty much like myself at times. But now, I'm wide awake, of course. So... thinking about stuff also. I guess I'm going to go.