My True Soul

Time Marches On & Things change

Once again I feel like my insides are being pulled and are slowly separating. And it feels like I could never be together again. One moment, I feel so much anger and pain, the next, I'm completely apathetic, and then, of course...gotta have that other extreme of happiness. Have a buncha things running through my mind. Some of them are serious, some aren't, some are happy, some aren't, and some are just observations more so than thoughts.

Sarah called me about 2 weeks ago and left 2 messages on my machine. Guess what! They're still on there! Why? Cause of my disability to get over her. . .woo! (I do believe part of my mind has greatly decided to change that starting last night.) I also still have all the e-mails that I had saved from before. Some of them with intimate conversations on them. And it kills me to get rid of them because they show what those 2+ years were like with her, the good things. But, if I keep looking at those, all it does is remind me of how I miss moments like those and how I love(d) her. So, the best thing to do would be to get rid of them, as much as I hate that. It is probably for the best. I have yet to do that though, perhaps in a bit - meaning no more than 2 days.

Since I'm being pulled everywhich way, I've also been thinking about my sexuality, again. It's a pain in the rear end. For a while, there was no doubt, it was one of the few things I was sure about. And I'm still mostly sure. Like today, I ended up walking behind this girl...oh she smelled so good, very rarely do I come in contact with a guy that I think smells just great. (Sillyness, I know, but the truth) And in my M&F class, this girl got a phone call about 5 mins before class started, so she got up, made her pencil fall, took the call. Well, we were all kinda laughing, I was laughing at the situation and I hope the others were too. Anyways, when she came back in, she was blushing...it was so adorable. I love it when girls blush. And I've been trying to pay attention to the emotions that I feel when I'm around a girl that's attractive, just to check my feelings. *Recalls the girl from Anthro* Yeah, I'm probably still the same as before... lol.

Today when I was leaving, I think that I saw Amanda. She was looking another direction, but I could see most of her face. The hair was a bit darker...but hers is highlighted, it would be darker after not seeing her for almost 2 months. I hate how I am around her. I blush when I see her, my heart flips out cause...ooo there she is. And I get spazzy over seeing her car. Yes, this is by far the worst crush I've ever had. Today, it just felt like it was her. The girl was dressed in the same fashion as she does (it's kinda unique) and the body style was right... if that makes sense. The girl was tall enough (5'10" isn't exactly average), was about the right weight, the legs were right, along with the hips, and her upper body. (Remember, I notice weird things about people) And considering Amanda is one of the most beautiful girls that I've ever encountered. . .yea. . .I remember many details.

I just talked to Kat for a moment. It's odd how distant someone can become or act. I don't know, when we're around each other, we're on good terms. But now that I don't see her all the time, I rarely talk to her about stuff. And I just kinda figure she's too busy to listen. Or that the stuff I have to tell her doesn't mean diddly squat.

And I've noticed that, heh, Sociology and Psychology are always competeting against one another. And not just in my mind. Prof. Flatt was saying how after knowing her mother-in-law for 17 years or so, her mother-in-law still doesn't know if she's in Psych or Sociology. Sociology is majorly the underdog. So of course I love it.

I must go play with my kittens...they're attacking me for attention.

I've came to the conclusion that good people always have the bad crap happen to them. Why do I say that? It's what I've observed with the people around me who have had something bad happen to the. Plus, I've just read detailed accounts of when the Spanish (Europeans in general) came to where there were Indians and how things went on there. The Indians were not cruel evil people at all, they were nice, and they shouldn't have had things like that happen to them. Also, I say this because of studying the Yanamamo people of South America. They have miners coming there, disrupting their life, and blergh. That's not so horrible, but, still--yuck!

My parents are coming down for the weekend. I kinda hinted with my dad that I kinda wanted to be left alone this weekend (this was last weekend when I hinted about this) and when I did, he acted all hurt and annoyed like "how dare you not want us to come there!" But at least he did seem to understand that I really DON'T like driving home every weekend. My mom, grr, she's always so upset when I leave and always so upset if I say I don't wanna go home or really want them here. I told her the other day that the weekend of her best friend's birthday that I was gonna stay here and then she asks if I want her to come here. I had to tell her no. My parents distract me from doing what I need to do normally and I hate saying that, but it's the truth. And last night I told my mom I needed to read some of my history. . .she asked if I needed her to let me go. . .um, Yes??!

The other morning when I was opening my frosting stuff for. . .whatever kinda pastry thing it is. . .I cut my finger, no biggie, right? No, wrong. That knife cut my skin so easily and now, I wanna see how well it'd cut other areas. I keep having this urge to, but, alas, I haven't. Had this feeling for 2 days and haven't. I know if I can just get through the next lil bit, I'll stop feeling that way.

I also have a personal argument topic due soon for a paper I have in English. I really don't know what I want to write about. She said we could pick out anything from the news. And I guess the most obvious thing in the news that I really really feel is personally important to me is about Same-sex marriage. But, I don't know if I wanna pick something related to Homosexuality with everything I do...I might wanna use that theme for something else, lol. Any suggestions?

People were complaining about one of the buildings on campus, how it smells sorta musty, and how the floors creak. It's the oldest building on campus, it's been here since 1878, um, yeah. . .it's gonna smell a lil and yep, the floors are gonna creak. I think it's beautiful though, completely. Even with all of the chaos that it contains. Some people just can't appreciate the beauty of older buildings that aren't falling to pieces.

It was humorous to me today when I exited my Career Psych class. It's in the biological sciences building. So all these (more than likely) biology majors are standing outside the door waiting to enter. I keep hearing several of them going "who are these people? what class is that? wow, there are a lot of them!" and the rest are staring. It created this mood like "who are these people who have invaded OUR building, they must get out, they need to leave!" It was just funny to me, it was as if you had the Psych Majors vs. the Biology Majors in stare down.

Oh, and the girl that sits beside me in my Ab Psych class. . .heh. I noticed her on the 2nd day of class when she was standing in line cause something about her was just really cute. Then, I really noticed it even more when she was coming to sit down beside me. Well, first judgement was that she could easily be a total butt. (Kinda funny to be in a Psych class with other psych majors. . .why? Because most people interested in psych also like to observe people. So there you have this big room full of people who like to observe other people.) Anyways, she missed Wednesday, so today she asked how many notes we took, I showed her. Then was handing her my notes the same moment she'd started to ask. Anyways, small-talk, lol. But, she came off as being really nice then. However the thing I noticed the most was her voice. Oh wow, she has a great voice. It's pleasing to my ears, very much so, and it's very sexy. I was sitting there like "wow, I wanna make her talk again just so I can hear her voice." I was waiting for her to finish copying my notes just so I could hear her say "Thank you" (most decent people will, so it was sorta a test also). =P Perhaps she's someone I should try to get to know better.

Besides this, I guess I've been wondering about different things, but, I think this is way more than enough for this time around.

Eric - "this will cheer you up, I got to sit in a GTO today" Me-"Argh!! You stink!. . . How was it??" Eric - "it was red"