My True Soul

*tug tug* Heart Strings

There seems to have been so much going on lately, but then again, maybe it's only seemed that way to me.

Saturday I talked to Sarah. I got annoyed once again. I asked Kat tonight if I liked to assume things - she said no. I then asked her if I asked her a lot of questions - she said yes and that was all that I normally would do when she wanted to talk. Sarah fussed at me on Saturday for not asking questions. Go figure. Kat just sorta laughed when I told her all of this. I don't ask Sarah questions because there have been times when she has told me to just hush or fussed at me for asking non-important questions. I don't mind asking other people questions, at least, the ones who've not jumped on me for it. I basically told Sarah that there are certain people that I will bug the crap out of with questions. I don't know...I got really kinda flustered. I try to pretend that she's someone I've never met, never felt anything for, that she's just someone I talk to every great once anda a while on the net.

Then, this is what annoys me the most. She acts like the Sarah I first knew, the Sarah that was so amazing and irrestible. The Sarah that I fell in love with. The Sarah that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The Sarah that had my heart. Yeah, it's like 1 of her 20 personalities. And when it's on that 1 or maybe a couple of others... my heart is weakened. It's then that my heartstrings get pulled on and for that brief moment, all the good memories come flooding back. All the happy moments come back...all the things that seemed so great about our relationship. My mind automatically starts running through a list of the other personalities and the cons. And it keeps running through those until it slaps my heart upside the head basically. Then, I become a jackass to her, I admit it. Why? Because I start trying my best to hate her. If I make myself hate her, then I don't have those feelings. My heart doesn't get yanked around if I hate her. It's a self-protection thing and maybe that's selfish.

The next day, I talked to her again. She was so drugged up because she had a migraine. I felt so bad for her in one way, but I was in that jackass mood when she and I first started talking. Then the jackass mood went away, I've never been able to be mad at Sarah when she was sick. She's so pitiful when she's sick and she gets sick so often that I really do feel for her. She could barely get anything to make sense. And basically, her walls were pretty much down. She then tells me that she would say 'I love you' but it might be a bad idea but that I knew she did in a friendly way and all. That just left me baffled. She hasn't tried to say anything like that since November.

I decided that it'd be best probably if I didn't talk to her much anymore. I spoke to Kat about this tonight. She said it'd be a bad idea if I just stopped talking to Sarah all at once, I agree. I don't wanna be a sore spot in her life anymore than I already am. I don't wanna be such a jackass when she's just found out so much about her life (she contacted her biological grandmom) and is thinking about all of that. To just leave would be mean and I couldn't do it anyways. But to just kinda keep in contact every now and then. Make myself less available...I can do that.

I'm now yawning so much I can't stay awake any longer. It's off to bed I go. I wanna say there was other stuff... but I can't really remember. I'm just glad to finally write this down. I couldn't when I was still so confused about it all.