Personal Journal

Untitled Dec. 1

Jean’s mom left yesterday. They were both crying. It sucked. Jean’s mom is very stoic. She’s of that John Wayne era – don’t show emotion. It’s the only time I’ve seen her façade fade.
I don’t know if the two of them will ever see each other again.
Yesterday I felt the burden of being again the only one. The only one able to help Jean. And it felt heavy like it hasn’t felt before. I felt lonely without her mom.

Either Jean’s new chemotherapy is really kicking her ass (which is most likely), or she’s getting visibly worse. She’s walking very weakly, losing her balance while standing more regularly. Her right hand isn’t functioning well enough for her to sign her name well. These might be issues related to chemo and other meds, but they might be the tumor. I’m trying not to spend my time worrying about it, but if Jean is getting worse, and it’s only been 3 weeks, then it’s possible in another 6 weeks we could be near the end.

I think I can feel her changing. Something empathetic in me feeling that she’s losing control of her body in what are currently subtle ways. And as always, I fear what will happen when the subtlety fades. My fears are making their presence known more now. And I see Jean losing the fight and it makes me sad more now, because the defeats are just a little bit more obvious, I think to us both.

Jesus Christ! Sometimes I realize: the woman I love is dying.
This isn’t a cold. This isn’t something she’s going to get better from.

Jean is still optimistic her new chemo is going to be curative. She says she looks forward to when it kicks in and makes her hand function better. And I don’t think that’s going to happen. I hold out hope, look forward to being wrong, but I know what I believe is going to happen.

How? How do I behave toward her, and how do I conduct myself so that she feels somehow strengthened by my presence? How do I motivate, and comfort?


It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn