Personal Journal

Scared

I’ve never been more afraid that she’s dying quickly.
It’s difficult to tell the difference between what is chemotherapy effect, and knowing that something I see might be cancer symptoms. They chemo can both mirror and accentuate the symptoms of her brain cancer.
She’s so weak! I’ve seen her weaker, but that was in the very early stages of her post diagnosis life, when the thing had just reached the point where we noticed it because it was so bad. We’ve come a long way down since she started chemo the day after thanksgiving. I’m shocked. And I haven’t been shocked since February, when I had to help her into and out of the shower.
She can barely walk – I don’t know if it’s chemo or tumor. Is she just so tired and weak from chemo that just the physical problems of the tumor are magnified, or is she sinking this fast? She was so tired and weak we couldn’t take her to the hospital to get her blood work today. We HAVE to go tomorrow, so the doctor gets the counts. I don’t even like being out of the room with her right now, but she’s sleeping.
I’m the only one who thinks this. I’m the only one in position to observe it.
I’m pondering taking her to the doctor’s office for blood work instead of the lab, just so they can see her. Yeah, I’m going to do it. I’ve been at this for 11 months. If I see something startling, I should point it out to the doctors.
We’re supposed to go to Denver on Monday to see the second opinion brain surgeon, and I don’t know how she’ll fare. An hour and a half in the car each way, plus being wheeled around a new hospital. Shit.

Jean is already giving up on Christmas in New Jersey. She said if she feels like this, there’s no reason to go to her home and sleep in her mom’s house, because that is all she could do for a couple of days we were there. I’m actually more hopeful than that. I think she’ll bounce back after the chemo quickly, and we’ll have enough energy by Christmas to go. We’ll see.
I can tell right now that if Jean’s quality of life doesn’t improve after this bout of chemo next week, I strongly suspect she won’t want to continue living this way. Whether the cancer takes her or she subconsciously gives up the fight, when that happens, I don’t think she’ll be around another month. Don’t ask me why I say that; it’s just a hunch. If she decides she’s done, she’ll go quickly.

I’m so scared, and disappointed, and sad for her. I can’t believe she’s dying in front of my eyes. I’ve known of this happening to other people – hell, my Dad, even lost his second wife to cancer, slowly, over years. I can’t believe that he went through something like this. Because I only barely understand what’s going on, only what’s going to happen.