Personal Journal

About Mother

When I call her "mother," it's a derogatory...

My mother is big on character in people. That makes it surprising to recognize that she is a bigot, and an unhappy person. But I think I need to take note of her character as I perceive it - this in regard to meeting my resolution to confront her this year.

There are two basic incidents that require her to understand how I perceive her.

The first, in February of this year when she first came out during Jean's early treatment. One day she and I were driving somewhere, and in a conversation about my being the caretaker to Jean, she said to me "I didn't know you had it in you," regarding my standing by her side.
That reveals what she perceives my character to be. Without going into it in this space, I've given her more than enough reason to believe that I am of poor character. I was not there during her cancer and rarely contacted her. And I am notorious for haphazardly sending cards such as for birthdays and christmas. I can't excuse that behavior, but I have conceded it's not how I wish I behaved, and for the former, I have apologized with deep sincerity, for when I saw first my friend Dennis with cancer, and then Jean, I told her I didn't know how bad that illness is, and I regretted my actions forever.
Nonetheless, she said what she said. In another way, that leads me to believe that she believes I am flaky in my romantic relationships.

The second thing that she said to me was this last time that she was out here in late August, when Jean was at her best. Again she and I were out of the home without Jean and I said to my mom that I hope she liked Jean, because I thought she was a stupendously fantastic woman. My mom's reply features a revealing omission. She said "That's all that matters, is what you think."

Those two incidents, especially the latter, will forever mar my perception of my mother's character. Their messages and meanings are clear.

I should like to confess to my mother that even if I did send cards and such on time, it would not misrepresent the light in which I see her. But that is too far.

I know that in this space I do not say near enough about what positives I inherited from having her as a mother, and the family that I did. Those tend to fall into the 'blah blah blah' file, because they are unproblematic, which is mostly what this space is about for me - problem resolution. Someday I shall have to do so here, if only for the historical record.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn