The Never-Ending Ramblings...

Can I be Guilt - Free?

Why do I always feel this pressure to fill up a blank screen? Why does it matter if I write three sentences, three paragraphs or three pages? Who cares?

Well, just divin’ in here. Laney spent the night at N.’s house and Autumn worked at Joshua Cup so we had the house to ourselves. I made Bryan take me out to eat – Ingleside Pizza! Way too many carbs, but ooohhh so good. I love their pizza. We used to make it at home, I made the crust and Bryan made the sauce – from scratch. It was awesome, but it takes way too much time and I got tired of the mess. It’s more relaxing to drink a Hornsby and watch the guys toss your dough into the air while listening to REM on the speakers chatting about the stresses of your day.


Right now, I should be cleaning the house. Folding laundry, changing sheets, moping the kitchen, but instead, John Mayall & the Bluesbreakers and friends DVD is in the DVD player and here I sit in front of the computer, typing away. Why is it I should always be doing something else instead of writing? Why do I feel guilty spending time on myself instead of taking care of my family, house, yard and pets? Maybe that’s why I’ve never really taken my writing to the next level. Is it too late to incorporate one more New Years Resolution onto the 2005 list? Writing – A guilt –free experience. I haven’t the foggiest idea how to execute such an idea, let alone assess how well or not the concept improves my writing.

I remember watching a show on the Sundance Channel. I can’t remember the show’s titile, but the plot of it was: Take one, two, or three scenes of a movie and dissect it. The writing of the scene, the lighting, the costume, the music, it analyzed every aspect of the making of that one particular scene. On the particular day when my fingers tired of clicking the up channel button, stoped on said show, they were talking about Mario Van Peebles and a scene from the movie Baaadassss which was inspired by Mario’s father, Melvin. Mario showed his father and the creative process he went through while making a film of his own. I was enthralled as I witnessed the creative process come to life, how Melvin through himself into his work. He gave up life as we know it to write his screenplay. He lived in one room and wrote all hours of the day and night. He taped legal pad pieces of paper on his wall. He ignored those around him. I was impressed. My husband, who happened to enter the room late, missing the first half of the show, wasn’t impressed. In fact, he amazed, he was tuned off, viewing Melvin’s creative expressions as a bad thing.

I didn’t tell him my feelings. How I’d love to throw myself into a project with that much attention, vigor, and commitment – just once – to see what the end result might be. I have gotten lost in my writing, and, I’ve spent lots of free time working on finishing up a story. But I’ve never really gotten lost in my writing.

Comments like my husband’s are part of the reason I feel guilty writing. What good mother would write to the exclusion of all else. Bills do have to get paid. (I’m lucky I get to write at work sometimes. i.e. reports, letters, and grants. My mom says I need to peruse writing. If anyone enjoys writing boring reports and grant writing, than s/he is a writer. I love you Mom.

Well, the laundry is piling up by the minute. Maybe I’ll be back later today.





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