My True Soul

Erghs!!!!

So, it's a good sign, normally, when a girl can kinda get to me. It means I care about what she thinks. We were talking about bisexuality...point being, this has actually bothered me and gotten under my skin a bit with her saying. With Afra and her obvious disdain for it, thinking it was stupid, her being so intelligent and stuff... it never bothered me.

I say I'm bi because it helps cut down on the confusion. Then I get a backlash from people who want me to pick a side.

Blah, here's the conversation I've been having with Tyler.

lash: Well, to be honest, it's a really stupid concept. I mean, EVERYONE ON EARTH is bi, there's just different degrees of preferences.
Me: Yeah
Me: I told her the only time I normally classify myself as that is when someone wants a label.
Me: Although, I kno you think I should probably tell them I'm a lesbian considering I normally only want to date a girl.
lash: Well, it's a personal thing. With me, I happen to prefer cock, so I call myself gay. Just because you prefer pussy doesn't mean you have to label yourself a lesbian if you don't want to.
Me: I don't want to label myself anything
Me: I want to fall in love with whomever my heart feels is right.
Me: There's no label for that.
lash: Well when people ask you what you are, don't give yourself a label. Say you're open.
lash: I mean, I agree with you 110% percent. It's just with me, yes I would have a relationship with a girl if I wanted to, but I don't think I could ever have a lifelong relationship with a girl, I don't think it would ever work. So... *shrugs* I'm just me.
Me: Right... which is where I differ from you and every other lesbian/gay or straight person
Me: In my mind, I never see who I could have a lifelong relationship with.
lash: Which is good. It's just, I spent a lot of time meditating on it a few years back... I tried having relationships with girls, and it all just fell through. So that's why I feel the way I do. But in life, nothing is carved in stone, everything is written in water, so who the f*** knows what's gonna happen?
Me: It just really bugs me
Me: No one else around me feels the exact same, so, although I can sorta identify, I can never completely identify, so I'm still alone.
Me: Well, not even the exact same
Me: Just close to the same

I normally am attracted to girls, I'd prefer to date girls. There's my preference. I know I'll probably end up with a girl, but not because she's a girl... that's the thing, the key point. I probably will not end up with a girl because she's biologically a female. I'll more than likely end up with a girl because more girls tend to have the personality characteristics that I really like in a person and the characteristics that I really want in the person whom I spend my life with.

And I admit, normally, I'm more physically attracted to, at all times, the female body. But, there are other times, when I'm more inclined towards the male body.

Maybe I am just afraid to be like "Hey, I'm a lesbian."
And, well, yes, I am afraid to say that. Cause I figure, the second I do, I'll meet some guy, think he's wonderful, that he's the person I have always been meant for, and guess what? I just did all that s*** for no reason. I just killed the relationship with my parents for no damned reason. Not to admit, I f***ing hate deciding something, especially about myself, and having it proved wrong. I do not normally argue with someone about something unless I'm a 100% sure about it, especially if it's something serious.

From now on, what do I say when people ask?
I say, yes, I'm a lesbian and then I end up dating a guy, what does that make me? A liar. I can't say I'm straight. I can say I'm bi and be safe, but then, there's a wonderful chance that they'll just think I'm an equal-opportunity slut and that's SO not the case. Or they'll think that I'm wishy-washy, which isn't the case. Or that I can't decide, I can decide on who I want to be with. Tyler suggested saying simply that I'm open. But that also makes me sound like I'm a slut. I'm open, it's like a free-for-all, which totally isn't me.
So, people, what the hell do you recommend?
My sexuality is individually based? I mean... damn, that's the best thing I can think of.

And another point. I realize that some bisexuals are just sluts, that maybe they are ashamed/scarred, or think it's cool. But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not assume that about every f***ing person you meet who says they're a bisexual. Just at least listen to their story. I'm so f***ing tired of getting so much damn backlash from both the HETEROSEXUAL and HOMOSEXUAL communites!

f***in' try to remember that most people DO have a story and that their story is unique and at least worth hearing for a FEW damn minutes.




*scratches head* And all this because of one girl, who I've talked to 3 times now, said something that got under my skin. And it got me fired up and impassioned. And I take full responsibility for it making me aggravated, because she warned me she was gonna speak her mind about it, and apologized for the possibilty of it offending me. But, it's curious that she got to me. I don't like that. She's interesting and non threatening.... so I don't know what to make of her yet. I'm approaching her like you would something dangerous... you poke them with a stick, then you dance around, doing this running, jumping, attacking, then running for high ground thing. You run towards them, trying to see everything you can, without showing them a damn thing.

*tilts head* Final thoughts.... hrm.