Already Gone

There was this girl who really liked this boy. However, she knew that the connection was not as strong as she hoped for. She knew he cared for her, but not enough to do anything about it. This made the girl very sad as she longed to be his. She thought long and hard about him each night, hoped for the best and prayed that her wish would come true. But deep down she knew that he preferred solace. Maybe because it was easier to entertain his demons, rather than allow their demons to dance. As time passed by she knew the day was coming. She had to make another hard decision. One that would hurt her deeply, but oddly, bring her peace. She could see the answer within his eyes. She knew that she had to get prepared. Slowly she would walk away from him, surly, he would not realize her departure.
When the time was on her side, she would ask him her question, and even though she hoped for the best, she knew that he would let her go. With this thought in her mind she wanted to embrace every moment with him. She wanted to relish in the memories that were being created by both of them. This was something she was only allowed to keep. She would need to learn to put this hope aside until it died from within her heart.
The day came and she asked him “Do you want more from this connection?” She waited but knew that his sigh of disappointment was her answer. From that day on she knew she had to stay away.
She could only watch him from a distance and act as if everything was all right whenever he neared her. She did not dare tell him that his departure was torturous to her. What would be the point if her feelings did not mean anything to him. He said he cared but if that was the case why was it so easy for him to leave her. She knew that his words were empty and useless, just like her feelings. She hoped that one day she would wake up and feel okay, to stare at him and no longer care if he was there or not. For now she would continue to watch him and wonder about him. She would dream of talking to him for endless amounts of time and touch him in ways no other had. As time went by she realized that he enjoyed her presence for a certain amount of time and then leave her with a yearning that only she could understand. She had to wonder if his burst of attention was worth it. What could she do to heal herself? He was always there. Part of her loved the idea that she could at least see him for a while. And the other part wanted him gone for good. She wanted to forget him so that she could be okay. But she was not sure if she was truly ready to let him go. He was still her friend. That was the only way she could have him close. Even if it meant to have him for a minute. What was her problem? Was she just confused? She knew this situation was no good for her but at the same time she did not know if she could completely walk away. Was it ok that he was just a friend, for whatever time they had together, or should she be strong enough to cut all ties. Why was this so hard? She did not know. Why was it so easy for him? He seemed perfectly fine. And that is what she wanted, she wanted to feel the same…fine.
Will I ever be fine?


Writen on 12/01/2023