My Life on a Plate

Trafalgar 2005

After reading Mavis Moog's brilliant and thought provoking entry yesterday it seems appropriate to share the following, sent to me by a friend yesterday. It cracked me up.

TRAFALGAR 2005

'Order the signal Hardy.'

'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?'

'Sorry, Sir?'

'England expects every person to do his/her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability? What gobbledegook is this?'

'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had a devil of a job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'

'Gadzooks Hardy. Get me my pipe and tobacco.'

'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.'

'In that case break open the rum ration. Let's splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.'

'The rum ration's been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.'

'Good Heavens, Hardy. I suppose we better get on with it then. Full speed ahead.'

'I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.'

'Damn it man. We're on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.'

'That won't be possible sir.'

''What?'

'Health and safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harness. And they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.'

'Then get the ship's carpenter without delay.'

'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access, admiral.'

'Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything so absurd.'

'Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'

'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse to even hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'

'Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without wearing helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, sir.'

'What? Is this mutiny?'

'It's not that,sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks.'

'Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?'

'Actually sir, we're not.'

'We're not?'

'No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

'But you must hate a Frenchman as much as you hate the devil.'

'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.'

'You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of the King.'

'Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.'

'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and lash?'

'As I explained sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'

'What about sodomy?'

'I believe it's to be encouraged sir.'

'In that case - kiss me Hardy.'


P.S. Why are we suddenly getting 'blog' comments directly into our mailboxes, instead of having to click to find out who left it and what it says? It's kinda like getting presents with no wrapping paper. But as we have already established, progress doesn't necessarily mean improvement.