My True Soul

Oh my, a title in English...

Since I've already read one children's book today that was in Spanish and have the full intention of reading another one soon... I thought I got in enough of the practice for today.

April, it amuses me that this journal is a few days over being 3 years old and yet, I still don't have near the amount of entries that you have in the 2 journals you've had throughout this time span.

In addition though, there is so much of my life that is in this journal, SO so friggin' much. There are so many of my thoughts, my emotions, and....just everything. I grew up in this journal. I was 17 when it began, I'm now 20.

Although there are so many memories in here that I really don't like to be reminded of, I could never really get rid of it. Never. I thought about it many times. Especially in the months following the breakup with Sarah.

Now? I hold this very dear to me. I now have 2 other journals. One that no one will ever read, this one that only a few people, I think, actively read. And, lol, with me only really knowing who one of those is. And I have another online journal that several of my friends have the link to, but, it has privacy options. This one, however, is the one I don't want anymore of my friends to know about. I don't share this one, at all, with the exception of April.

And there's not much I keep from her, so that's ok.

This past weekend, I've been really sick. I feel better now, but, I'm still not 110%, ya know? I break into sweats a lot easier, and it's that cold clamy sweat.

Manda read my other journal, saw that I was sick, called to check on me. She's kept careful track of how I've felt. Told me she'd be playing nurse maid if she could.

I think I'm starting to fall for her. Not falling, just starting to. I'm at that point, ya know, where you're about to bungee jump... you're really close to the edge and you're looking down going "Wow... that's a long way down... but wow, how much fun would that be." That's where I am.

We'll see how the next few dates go. Of course with us, because we decided to start dating over the summer and there's about 200 miles/4 hours of distance between us, lol, our dating has been sporadic. So, the next few dates won't happen until school starts back. If things go well, which, so far they have, I suppose I'll sit down and talk to her about making things official maybe sometime in late September/October.

And yes, I have a specific time frame. Why? Because, I don't want to rush. I don't wanna go rushing in, heart pounding, confused, and end up making a mistake. I want to go in, calm, rational, and honest. Not in a flurry of emotions to the extent that it clouds my vision.

I guess, maybe, I like her too much to do that. If that makes any sense. That and I've learned from past experiences.

I honestly want to sit down with her and try a new approach. What's that? Telling her what I expect, wanting to know what she expects, telling her how I feel, letting her know that I'd rather hear the truth than be lied to, that if she wants to end the relationship, she can, that's fine, that I want to handle it in the best way possible. Very open communication. I think she'd be okay with that and not get mad.

I've been in the process of trying to figure out more things about the dynamics of my relationships - friendships included.

Jake and I got pissy with each other. I think he's forgotten. I haven't. I have no intentions of doing so. I don't forget. And if he continues making some of the comments he has... he's going to hear it from me again.

Eric. I still, I, yeah. I'm waiting to let him call me.

Tyler. I feel better with. However, he feels bitter towards Manda and I. I don't know what to do. I hope things get better when school starts back and I can sorta have distinguished times with him and just him, then her and her alone, and then both of them. That's going to have to be how it's done. He doesn't want us to actually act anything like a couple and gets uncomfortable with us just holding hands or cuddling some.

Happiness... life forms....