My Life on a Plate

Comic Relief

Had a busy day taking care of parent's needs again yesterday but did manage to pick up a little book to send to my Canadian friend for his birthday. There are many advice books out there for those needing spiritual guidance or seeking inner calm and I don't knock them. But I rather like some of the advice offered in the book I purchased, entitled 'The Little Book of Complete Bollocks.' Sort of matches my frame of mind at the moment. Here's a few examples...

When you are experiencing stress in the workplace, there is nothing more soothing than a herbal tea. Make the tea in a large mug, add a generous spoonful of organic honey, then pour the contents over the desktop of the person who's been getting up your nose.

Stressed out? Go outside, lie down on your back, spread your arms and legs in an X-shape and stare up at the sky. Stay in that position until you can feel your connection to the infinite. If you hear the rumble of approaching traffic, you may be lying in the middle of the road. Ask the infinite if you could call back later.

Lie down in a grassy park and relax completely. Close your eyes. Access your deep inner core by listening to your breathing. After a few minutes, you will find yourself suffused by a feeling of warmth. Check to see whether you've been pissed on by a dog.

As you age you may experience a sudden loss of libido. Don't panic. Ask your secretary if she's seen it. Check under the sofa. Report your loss to the police. Consider offering a reward for the safe return of your libido. If, after six months there is still no sign of it, take up gardening.

Your psychic energy is divided into Yin and Yang. Yin is the channeller. Yang is the healer. If you want to channel your healing get your Yin to talk to your Yang. If you want to heal your channels get your Yang to talk to your Yin. If you want to experience psychic peace, tell them both to shut up.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to the hospital I go.