My Life on a Plate

Dirk's Destiny

Okay…so here goes…

‘We must sail to the MS Amsterdam right away CC. Toolwoman and Miss Smartypants could be in danger if the hula dancing dark Lord has a compass hidden in one of his coconut shells.’

‘GAWD knows wot he’s capable of tonight …look Scarlett, it’s a full moon and and and dat cud make his brainsection do even weirder things than usual. I’ll get the super-fast speedboat thingy ready and meet you down by the docks.

‘But what about Stealthman?’

‘He’ll be no trubble, he’s still slippin in and out of consciousness in the bottom of da boat. I thought it best ta keep him tied up and gagged, to stop him yellin for his mommy. And he’ll think twice about goin back to da dark side after wot da evil dark skanky Lord of darkness has put him through.

Ten minutes later, CC and Scarlett, accompanied by their faithful ducky dudes Sonny and Dainty, set sail out into the ocean, munchin cheese sammiches and makin plans.

Meanwhile…

Da dark Lord pauses from his hula dancin, adjusts his muu muu and gazes out at the black waters of the ocean, thinkin of home and da luvverly Mel and all her animals.

‘What am I to do?’ he sniffles, wiping his nose on his grass skirt. ‘Damn that ducknappin Californian Queen of brats. Double damn that Stealthman in his sissy suit; can’t even be trusted to find the right ship. Triple damn that CC for rescuing him…he’s out there somewhere, I can feel it in my water.’

The Lord of darkness lifts his telescope to his good eye and gazes to the North. His mouth drops as he sees a ship with eight guys dancing, waving and blowing kisses.
The night is still and he raises a hand to his ear -

‘It’s fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A…’

‘OMG…They’re heading this way. I gotta get outa here.’

He turns to the South and looks through his telescope again. A large cruise ship appears to be sailing towards him. The night air carries the sound of many quacks and manic giggling.

‘Hell, I can’t take on Toolwoman, Miss Smartypants, Nottingham Bear, the Duckaneers, Duck James Duck secret agent 006 and a half, Officer Norman, Delphine, Deanna and that young Hawaiian hunk they’ve picked up all by myself. They'd eat me alive’

He quickly turns to the East and looks through his telescope at the horizon. A sleek, super fast speed boat is drawing ever closer and he recognises the form of the highly trained captain of the seas CC at the helm. A fine crew of wimmins and super-powered ducks can be heard yelling and quacking fierce threats. The ribbon of light from the glowing knees of the captured Stealthman makes him shudder with fear, as he’s reminded of the fine mess he got his fellow duck-hater into.

‘I WANT TO GO HOME,’ he yells at the sky, yet he knows returning without Dirk isn’t an option.

Finally, he points his telescope to the West, hoping for a way of escape from the three vessels closing in on him.

‘What the blazes…?’

Sailing towards him is the Head Menehune, Kele, tribal Elder and fiercest warrior of the nearby Cannibal Islands. He wears a fierce expression and is holding a machete to the evil Dirk’s throat.

‘Daddy, daddy, help me…’

The dark Lord gulps. It seems yet again, he doesn’t know which way to turn and it could be more than his words get eaten...