My Life on a Plate

Dirk's Destiny Part Two

Despite the rain and early hour Scarlett jumped out of bed, knowing there was much to be done. She picked up the phone, aware she'd probably be in trouble when the huge bill arrived, but risks have to be taken in times of urgency. She dialled a long number.

'Hi Cassie, is that you? Is Mike around?'

'Erm'he's in his study right now.'

'Could you get him for me?'

'Well, actually he's locked himself in and doesn't want to be disturbed. He says he's been having terrible nightmares and needs to get back to writing ordinary, family stories.

'Oh, that's fine then. No worries there. Bye now.'



Scarlett dialled another long number.

'Hello, Mrs Partydude? Is your hubby about?'

'No, I'm afraid not. He's in trouble for getting drunk as a skunk the other night and I've made him stay in the bedroom until he sleeps it off and promises to have nothing more to do with that Tor and Mike.

'Oh, that's okay then. No problem. Bye.'



Scarlett dialled a third long number.

'Hello Mel sweety. Where's that hubby of yours right now?'

'Well Scarlett, I'm a little worried because he's hiding under his pank bedclothes, trembling and muttering things like 'It was NOT a dream, for Gawd's sake. ' I tell you, he's not right in the head'

'Well, we all knew that already Mel but''

'I was going to say since little his buddy Dirk went missing but I guess you're right. Anyway, gotta go, he's shouting for his comforter and security blanket'Bye.'



Scarlett smiled and dialled yet another long number.

'Hi CC, my hero, defender of the light and ducky dudes.'

'Scarlett! Did ya SEE wot dat evil skanky thing put in his glob? He said I told him I nefer wanted da war and dat I was gonna pound you wimmins and and and''

'Don't fret CC. we all know you'd never say that and what a liar he can be. We WUB you, you know that and will never let you down. Now I just got one more call to make, then I'll meet you in the bar on MS Amsterdam. Okay.'


Scarlett called Nada on the ship and with the parting words 'GET THAT PARTY STARTED,' replaced the receiver and collected her belongings. She'd change into one of Nada's gowns when she reached the ship. (Her diet has worked well ' okay, so this is fiction after all.)

Later'

In the disco aboard the ship the good gang are gathered, sipping chocolate Martinis and relaying jokes.

'Okay,' says Toolwoman. 'Let's get down to business. The cruise ends soon and we must decide on the fate of Dirk. Any suggestions?'

'Well, I think SHE might help us out again.'

Scarlett points to her little companion Dainty, sipping an egg nog on a stool with her beloved Sonny. 'She may be in WUB and planning nests and stuffage but she'd still be prepared to use her special skills.'

'What, you mean, turn Dirk back into an ordinary duck?' CC asks.

'Well, I have here a catalogue of conversions she could quite easily make should you require that course of action. Take a look at some of the models in here.'

The whole gang gather around the booklet to view the pictures.

'We could turn him into wood like 'Draughty'. That would leave him quite harmless and empty ' headed.'

'You mean like his owner?' Miss Smartpants asked.

'Or, we could go one step further and turn him into stone, like 'Drab'. Although that is a rather drastic conversion.'

'Or we could be imaginative and make him a garden shrub like 'Deciduous.' That's not so bad until pruning time.

'Then, of course, we could just make him a simple, harmless tiny tub floater like Diddy. Tor might take a bath if he has a cute ducky to play with.'

'With recent events and knowing about his preference for pretty bed covers, this PANK conversion might be an idea too. Delilah's her name ' she may look cissy but remember what she did to Samson and you'll know what she's capable of should the dark lord cross her.

SO, what do you think folks? It's just an idea. Do we send Dirk back as he is, risking further warfare, turn him into a GOOD duck like our own, dispose of him altogether or something else? I leave it with you'

Will his own words 'GAWD I'm dying here,' turn out to be da dark lord's famous last ones?