The Time Without

Chapter Four - The Obstacles

Chapter Four
The Obstacles
Poem Seventeen

Through the Mist

I try so very hard to find
Justified reasons in my mind
For the way our life has gone
And why we have set foot upon

This winding path of due
Our own answers are too few.

If I had chose
The path of gold
Refined and placid in my greed
Would I still find this road so steep?

If I had decided to comply
Believed their dogma, not asked why
Would my life be pretty and calm?
Would my heart be filled with song?

Sometimes I wonder why
I must continue to try
When the weight of the world is mine own
On this trail my spirit travels alone

I feel so beaten and defeated at times
Trials by fire, no rhythm nor rhyme
How long will it take for them to see?
How am I to change this chaotic dream?

Only the ripple can I affect
The wave is born hereto with respect
Would it be a life of bliss?
If I had chose not to see through the mist?

Phoenix, AZ 85283 - November 23, 2005

******************************************************
REVIEWS

#1. Review Of "Through the Mist" (nw) [Rated: E]

Review By: Yushi112 (6)
Date and Time: 11-24-05 @ 1:40am
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (4.5)
Review Length: 119 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

this poem gave me chills! its obvious you must have worked hard. it flows so nicely and the message is great! good job!

My Feedback; My Received Reviews For
#1037925 - Through the Mist

********************************************************************************************************************************************

Chapter Four
The Obstacles
Poem Eighteen

Questioning My Defense

To cause this forever sad song
I depended upon
One who lied
As in turmoil I did decide

To make that fateful call
Asking the father to help; is all

Unemployed and without transport
Child care I could not afford
A job I could not find
To cover our behind

He threatened that if I did not sign
A temporary order for a short time
That he would leave
Us homeless in the street…

My memories reminded me
Of how in a rage he maniacally
Cut my arms and face
To enforce upon my spiritual place

His God Given Right
To beat me as his Wife.
For possessed by demons was I
My Goddess was evil; said he and why

I survived his unbridled fury of hate
But then sealed mine own fate
By defending my spiritual path
With reason and logic; defying his wrath.

Almost three years to that day
He took my children away
And promised to me he would return
But instead -- he began the burn

Calling me evil witch
Devil, whore and bitch
Always derogatory towards me
Always in front of my babies

Then in the courts of this land
With a lawyer helping this man

He perjured – He lied.
Then the Judge denied
Me, my right to seek
Mine own attorney

They began to proceed
Pretending not to hear me
Ask, Beg and demand
That I too have council at hand.

Later that night;
Panicked – I took flight
My children with me
2000 miles without money
Safely we arrived
At our destination alive

Three beautiful months was all we had
As together we loved, played and laughed

The day did come of course
That we were found and forced
To return to this City of Ice
Where since; we have paid the price

For now the law sanctions his God Given Right
To Abuse, harm and defeat his children and ex-wife.

For a year and 21 days now
We have not been allowed
To visit or see each other
Our bond they mean to sever

So—this is what I did wrong,
To feel despair for so long

For that I dared to defy
Defending my right
To live through the night

And to practice and believe
In mine own spirituality

VERSION 2

What did I do so terribly wrong?
Causing forever this sad song?

I depended upon...
One who cheated and lied,
As in turmoil I did decide,
Making that one fateful call;
Asking the father to help is all.

Unemployed and without a car.
Covering expenses far from par.

I could not afford child care.
Nor find employment anywhere.
Though my skills were plenty,
This was not meant to be.

This is what I did so wrong,
To feel despair for so long...

My only options were,
Choice not preferred.
Was to get food stamps, welfare;
or call a father who should care.

He threatened, he coerced.
Convincing me of the worst.

That if I did not commit and sign,
Custody over to him at this time;

Eliminate the money he must pay--
Taken by court orders and say-

He could, that us he would leave,
Homeless, hungry in the street.

My memories reminded me-
As in a rage he maniacally!
Cut me up with my own keys!
My arms and face, self-righteously.

So that I would accept,
His opinion though inept.
My spiritual thoughts and place,
Were diabolical to the human race.

For He had...

His God Given Right;
To beat me as his wife.
Possessed by hells demons was I,
My Goddess evil; said he and why.

I survived his fury of hate,
But then sealed my own fate.

I defended my path,
Defying his wrath.

With sane logic and good reason,
Explaining that the very season.
Was the Wheel of Life!
Not his want of strife.

Three years later to the day;
He took my children away.
Promising he would return,
Instead; he began the burn.

Calling me evil witch!
Devil and whore and bitch!
Derogatory towards me;
Always in front of my babies.

Then in the courts of this land;
With a lawyer helping this man...

He then perjured – he lied.
Then I heard the Judge decide,
My constitutional right;
Was for him to me deny...

The time to seek,
My own attorney.

They began to proceed,
Pretend not to hear me.
Ask, beg, plead and demand,
That I too have council at hand.

This is what I did so wrong,
To feel despair for so long...

Knowing that justice would not be served
that only his side would the Judge observe
Taking from me what is only mine
Not allowing me to speak my mind

I Panicked –

Later that night;
I took to flight.

My children with me,
No hope nor money.
2000 miles to arrive-
At our destination alive.

Three beautiful months,
Was all we had...
As together we loved,
Played and laughed!

This is what I did so wrong,
To feel despair for so long...

The day did come of course,
That we were found and forced;
Returning to this 'City of Ice'-
We continue to pay the price.

For now the law sees,
his God given right.
To abuse; defeat-
His now ex-wife.

For a year and 21 days now;
We have not been allowed,
To visit or see one another-
Our bond they mean to sever.

This is what I did so wrong,
To feel despair for so long...

For him I dared to defy,
Let him know how and why.
To defend my constitutional right,
Mine at birth and live through the night.

To practice and to believe,
In mine own spirituality.

My children mine to raise;
And their love mine to lay,
Upon my spirit for my heart...
In my soul; end and start.

Completing their survival skills.
Which he now lacks as he wills.
ABC's
and
1-2-3's

This is my only defense
but does it make sense?

This is what I did so wrong,
To feel despair for so long...


end Questioning My Defense

******************************************************
MY REVIEWS

#1. Review Of "Questioning My Defense" (nw) [Rated: 13+]

Review By: Botr revising (7)
Date and Time: 05-10-06 @ 7:51am
Public/Private: Public
Reviewer's Rating: (4.5)
Review Length: 969 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

Hello DragonBlue (5) this is Botr revising (7) .

Though seas apart
I know thy pain in your heart.
Twas Christmas day
the judge deemed
I hand them away.

Put on a Happy Face
for their sakes.
Tears and cracks
deep within my heart.

He took them away.
Four and two they were
not understanding
nor grasping.

Left me gasping.
The hurt lasted
many years
Christmas became
a very painful time
of the year.

Why? I worked.
He did not!
Judged that he
could be around
full time.

I could not
for I choose
to not be a part
of the system
and sponge of it.

**My heart goes out to you and I hope you squish as many memories you can in on Mothers Day.
Blessed be your children and your heart.

Botr

REVIEW OF THE REVIEW:Thank you for replying to this pen. As you can tell it is very personal and heart wrenching. I cry every moment of every day I am without them. Thank you for the read, rate and review.



#2. Review Of "Questioning My Defense" (nw) [Rated: 13+]

Review By: § Lady Katherine § (46)
Date and Time: 01-01-06 @ 3:50am
Public/Private: Public
Reviewer's Rating: (3.5)
Review Length: 2,527 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

Well Hello DragonBlue,

I must admit I found the content of this work to be like daggers to the heart. It takes one a roller coaster ride to the dark side of Hades then up to the clouds of a summer morn only to once again drop them into a burning tar as black as demon-night. Yes, grin, that would accurately describe how your poem made me feel. It should most certainly be served with a box of Kleenex and a glass of water .

But I feel in my humble opinion that it could be made even more powerful with a touch of editing. For me, I found:

The tempo erratic, your stanzas are all widely varied with no real pattern to allow the reader to find a flow. So, one gets distracted which takes away from the poems impact.

The rhyming is mismatched; this is the only word that comes to mind. Such as the words had and laughed, which even though they share an ending syllable on the lines they are on, are very disproportionate to each other as are most of your lines. There is no beat to the drum.

***One thing I can say about this frantic style is that it would be a clear interpretation of the harried state of the victim but if that is your intent than you may wish to state so at the start. You could say something like written by the woman as the nightmare progressed. Just a thought .***

The bare use of grammar leads to more confusion rather than less for the reader due to its erratic use. I am no grammar expert believe me, grin, but I’d either use proper grammar or none. I’d use proper myself to help make the flow that I intended clear to the reader in this particular item.

There is the random use of a capital letter throughout your piece but I’m really not sure if it is deliberate or typo. I say this because the word “City” capitalized makes no sense to me. The other caps are definitely words I’d cap as well . I also see words, which I won’t mention in a public review , that could really use the emphasis from my POV.

Well that’s about all I can say. I sure hope you find it of some use and if you ever do an edit it would be my pleasure to come back and re-review and up that rating to where it should be for such a poem of strong flavor.

Thank you for the read and the good cry, grin.

Happy Writing 2006 and TaTaForNow,
Lady Katherine


REVIEW OF THE REVIEW: Thank you for the read, rate and review. It was informative and a different persperctive than I have had thus far. Thank you for pointing things out without assuming an all-knowing condescending tone as some reviewers do here at wdc. I have since re-written it. It flows better, but then; you are correct, I was not looking for flow, but frantically trying to find my children. Every re-write has been interupted with the tears that pour onto the paper and blur my eyes then smear the ink.



#3. Review Of "Questioning My Defense" (nw) [Rated: 13+]

Review By: *bird accepts G... (23)
Date and Time: 01-01-06 @ 3:44am
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (3.5)
Review Length: 312 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

I find that the details unfold in this poem to tell a chilling tale. Perhaps that's enough. I think the poetic form limits its strength. The vocabulary could go up a notch if the rhymes were not being sought foremost. The pain is clear, yet greater detail and depth might be pulled forward in a different format.

Thank you for the read, rate and review


My Feedback; My Received Reviews For
#1016309 - Questioning My Defense

***********************************************************************************************************************************************

Chapter Four
The Obstacles
Poem Nineteen

The Power of the Wizard
by Maylynn Hughes as DragonBlue

If I had the Power of the Wizard
Expert in every spell I delivered
My chants high, true and quivered

I would change the world as we know it
Betwixt and between full of magick
In the arts and music perfectly prolific
Dignified yet sensuously tantric

The music room aglow with the moons light
Spherical in shape and lit by the night
White candles glistening off the polished wood walls
Oak expertly crafted to be acoustic; from the lands of Gaul

Every room filled with a different emotion
Wave after wave as high tide of the ocean

All things are provided by
Cycles of earth and sky
Same above as it is below
Instinctively, this we know

Given the chance
Energy to dance
In this flesh to live and learn
To be human as we discern

If I had the Power of the Wizard
Expert in every spell I delivered
My chants high, true and quivered

Using the best of my charm
Noting that here were none to harm
Peering within my sacred grail
I would give strength to the very frail

Those imparting soulful cries,
Due to inhumane treatment and lies
I would compel them to travel within to realize
That unconditional love can mesmerize

The species of earth for eternity
Elixer and medication – the remedy
Singing with emotion the melody
To solve all questions in harmony

The intellect we will endure
In the mundane to ensure
Elements will complete our soul
Individuals part of one whole

If we deny our destiny
To pass into eternity
Universal collective consciousness
Becomes friction; conflict without essence.

For the opposite of Love is not Hate
But indifference ~ as none do partake
Of this precious gift we have been given
And leaves us nothing to believe in

Blessed with a vitality of life force
Opportunity to join the chorus
In beautiful symphonic intensity
True Spirits of Light and Divinity

If I had the Power of the Wizard
Expert in every spell I delivered
My chants high, true and quivered

The blackness of hearts would heal
As together we learned to give and feel
With a consciousness of one entity
And in so doing achieve validity

Balancing polarities to satiate
The missing pieces as they populate
To fill the gap left by emptiness
The light of blue to combust simultaneous

As we discover in complete awe
Cohesive, vibrant natural laws
Let us remain as ~ infants at heart
Creating, changing our world as art

I would plant the Agrimony
Along side her prodigy
The yellow rose
with red, pink and white grows

Intimate are these named flowers
That will remain to empower
The minds of unfeeling humans
As master of the ancient ruins

To remind them of the towers
Time moving on without their valor

If I had the Power of the Wizard
Expert in every spell I delivered
My chants high, true and quivered

Those filled with angry greed
I would in their hearts plant the seed
To bloom and blossom completely
Replacing their hatred with serenity

Once we are all linked as one
Our energies aligned with moon and sun
Our planet will become the paradise
We once shared with grace to arise

Dancing
Prancing

With those of the noble faery
To eat, drink and be merry
In the abundance that lay
All about us in quatrains

This mine own muse did give to me
To spread the news tenaciously
Let the magick and the music unfold
Our rewards earned ~ to have and to hold

Unconditional Love is as it was,
and always will be,
A tale to be told…

If I could only change the world
With the Power of the Wizard!

Electronic Copyright: September 6, 2005

*******************************************************

REVIEWS

#1. Review Of "Power of the Wizard" (nw) [Rated: E]

Review By: NavWorks (6)
Date and Time: 06-02-06 @ 12:20am
Public/Private: Public
Reviewer's Rating: (3.0)
Review Length: 2,140 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

You use words very nicely in this poem and you are not afraid of double rhymes (multiple syllable rhymes). That is commendable.

As I began to read I sensed the speaker's desire to make the world better. As I continued to read, the poem began to drone on.

This poem is way too long. The material could be handled more succinctly and more powerfully with an economy of words and ideas. I'm not talking just half. I think it should be scaled back by at least two thirds.

Boil it down and use the right words, key words, powerful words. Set a vivid mood and emotion and give this speaker's sentiment in more pithy statements.

Eliminate the repetition of the "refrain" (shown below) since it really does not add anything to this poem. Use it once at the beginning of your new scaled down version.

If I had the Power of the Wizard
Expert in every spell I delivered
My chants high, true and quivered

Some of the lines seem contrived in order to accomodate the chosen rhyme scheme. Find the lines that have reversed structure, grammar, and awkward wording and take more time to craft them.

Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Wave after wave as high tide of the ocean

Noting that here were none to harm

But indifference ~ as none do partake

I would in their hearts plant the seed

Here are a few other small edit points noted:

moons light Should be moon's.

from the lands of Gaul Works better as land of Gaul.

medication – the The dash works much better against the first word— then a space following, which is the proper convention.

Overall, there were good elements of the poem that and well written lines that will make it easy to boil this down into its essential communication. Less can be more if the right words are chosen.

Good job.

NavWorks (6)
REVIEW OF THE REVIEW: This was written for a contest with a 500 word minimum, which is why it is so long. I do not write form poetry, but epic prose in rhyming verse, so this one fit me well. But have a great day and thank you for the read, rate & review. Oh, by the way; I did win third prize!



#2. Review Of "Power of the Wizard" (nw) [Rated: E]

Review By: Oceansoul (1)
Date and Time: 05-30-06 @ 4:43pm
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (4.5)
Review Length: 395 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

>>WHAT I LIKED ABOUT YOUR WORK:

Good use of words, creative topic

>>WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR WORK:

Nothing not to like

>>SPELLING AND/OR GRAMMER MISTAKES:

No mistakes found

>>SUGGESTIONS:

None

>>RATING:

4.5

Great work! Keep writing!

REVIEW OF THE REVIEW:Thank you for the read, rate and review.



#3. Review Of "Power of the Wizard" (nw) [Rated: E]

Review By: Midnight_Poet (1)
Date and Time: 05-29-06 @ 3:27am
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (4.5)
Review Length: 306 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

I liked this poem a lot. It showed magic and the desire and power it holds. Also, you spiced up the poem by adding in elements of fantasy, and I'm happy that you spelled "magick" the true way! I especially liked the fifth to last stanza, because it was so short but so powerful and clean. Nice job!

REVIEW OF THE REVIEW:Thank you for the read, rate and review.


My Feedback; My Received Reviews For
#1109557 - Power of the Wizard

********************************************************************************************************************

Chapter Four
The Obstacles
Poem Twenty

My Lady and Me

I am a man growing old with the tide
My lady from long ago stands at my side
We gather our harvest – laid out and dried
Tis quite humorous how this day will coincide

With the Equinox; equal in day and night
Her face still all aglow – eyes very bright
Together we enjoy the young ones delight
As we meet and hold hands round the firelight.

Thankful are we for the given feast
As fearless hunter – of the hunted beast
Not to be defiled as the very least
But thankful to its spirit, as it is released

Our cornucopia include libation of sweet wine
Provided in abundance from the fruitful vine
We seek with the earth our energies to align
We count our blessings; three by three and nine

We call this the celebration of Mabon
Autumn from sunset to the break of dawn
Dancing in joy around our pentagon
And lay to rest our souls where we lay upon

For I am the Green Man with my bride to be
Reborn and renewed ‘tis the cycle of the tree
My Lady is at the third within the trilogy
From Mother to Crone she celebrates with me.

Joyous Mabon!
to you and yours all year long!


Copyright: MoonChild of GaeaDragonBlue
September 2005 - Phoenix, Az 85283

**************************************************************************************


REVIEWS

#1. Review Of "My Lady and Me" (nw) [Rated: E]

Review By: tammy (86)
Date and Time: 10-05-05 @ 6:13pm
Public/Private: Public
Reviewer's Rating: (4.5)
Review Length: 382 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

Thanks for posting your poem in ID: 962569 (Rated: 18+)
Title: My Weekly Contest~Poetry's Prism
Description: A weekly contest thats all about poetry.
By: tammy (86) and good luck .

I like your poem. It flows so easily and your rhymes are good. Your title is good and appropriate. I like the mono-rhymes you have for each stanza. WHAt a celebration of life and love! Thanks for the positive read.

Keep writing.
Always, Tammy

REVIEW OF THE REVIEW:Thank you for the read, rate and review.


#2. Review Of "My Lady and Me" (nw) [Rated: E]

Review By: lolaness (11)
Date and Time: 09-30-05 @ 4:12pm
Public/Private: Public
Reviewer's Rating: (5.0)
Review Length: 216 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

I *love* this poem - absolutely perfect, I just really enjoy the way that you personified the elements in a way that I was smiling and nodding my head in comprehension long before you identified them. Excellent work!


REVIEW OF THE REVIEW:Thank you for the read, rate and review.


My Feedback; My Received Reviews For
#1016094 - My Lady and Me

*****************************************************************************************************************************************

Chapter Four
The Obstacles
Poem Twenty-One

Shadow Speak

Moonlight...
Twilight...
Dawn....

Though shadows speak thy name,
Thine Intellect thy Game.
Thee Heart reads manifestation...
Ye spirit sees the elation.

Thy "he" within needs thee rain;
and ye go NOT insane.
So thy inner child can truly cry,
For another's path ye do reply.

Before thee; in thine own mind lie,
the breakdown of cohesiveness to die.
Repeating in parallel between space and time.
On the path of the Laws of the Maidens Nine.

Pushing forth with a sudden;
invocation to call and summon...
Waves of warm water,
Over surfaces assunder.

In frost of dry brittle particles;
elements in rhythm as it lulls...
Thee to fall into thy dreams,
Dance ye fate without thy screams.

First to the sky--
as thee ask why.

Aligning north thy limbs outstretched,
as ye materialize thy sketch...
Deocile east with thy intellect.

Follow forward;
face turned upward.

To south with fire align...
Due west pentacle ye sign,
capture thy water forever fine.

In thought and spoken Wyrd,
hold to thee thy psychic sword.
Complete is self with element four,
spinning together forever more.

Release thy passions!
Writing thee captions!

For all to see,
Thy spirits energy!

...For...

Light flows into thee.
Light flows through thee.
Light flows from thee.

This shape 'tis yourn,
Thine own form.

Dawn,
Twilight...
Moonlight.

Intricate patterns the shadows speak of...

********************************************************************************************************
REVIEWS

#1. Review Of "Shadow Speak" (nw) [Rated: E]

Review By: Robert Pugh (a.... (3)
Date and Time: 02-06-06 @ 12:55am
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (3.5)
Review Length: 381 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

I think you tried to sound to Shakspearian or biblical, this in the end took away from what could have been a realy good piece. Writing in this way is almost a cliche' in todays literary world. Back in Shakespear's time people spoke the way he wrote, today we do not. People want to read what they can connect to.

Good luck and keep writing.
Blessed be.

REVIEW OF THE REVIEW: NO, not biblical, nor shakspearian, just very unique and obvsiously beyond your reference to understand. Do try to be a bit more condescending next time so you can get reeeeaaallll good at reviewing. Keep Reviewing.



#2. Review Of "Shadow Speak" (nw) [Rated: E]

Review By: auntwheezie (12)
Date and Time: 02-05-06 @ 2:14pm
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (2.5)
Review Length: 740 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

Please, please, please drop the thee, thy's, etc., they aren't used appropriately and they don't flow well in this poem at all. This poem has so much potential to be rated at something better and the use of old english with a seemingly haphazard rhyme scheme doesn't do this work justice. I have had to read this poem 3 or 4 times already just to make sense out of what is here and it is difficult because there doesn't appear to be any clear line of what this poem is about. I'm sorry if I've missed the point or seem a little harsh but poetry should flow, give the reader things to think about, wonder about but not shake your head in confusion. Thanks for the read and I'm sorry I couldn't appreciate this as much as you may have wished.

REVIEW OF THE REVIEW: Not only NO, but HELL NO! I won't give up thee, thy, thine, and thou. This peice in particular has been reviewed by my College British Literature Professor. He has given me an A+ on my use of the language. The rhyme just needs to to be read correctly to have rhythm. If you would have just read it without trying to re-write it or decide which form I was using, you would have realized that this prose is about inner journeys, but you chose to close your mind and became negative. Please, Aunt Wheezie, keep reiveiwing.


#3. Review Of "Shadow Speak" (nw) [Rated: E]

Review By: DOT (13)
Date and Time: 02-04-06 @ 7:12pm
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (4.0)
Review Length: 403 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

Deocile?
While the four elements of earth, air, fire and water are important they require a catalyst which by its nature is neither created or destroyed. When combined with this fifth element they may if permitted by chance and circumstance become more than the sum of their parts. They become alive and dance around the fires in ritual casting shadows to the darkness.
Keep Making.

REVIEW OF THE REVIEW: Yes, Dave. A reveiw of the review; deocile...clockwise, widdershin...counterclockwise, magic...slight of hand, magick...raising of energy within a controlled circle, and I see ye have a bit of the circle experience. Thank you for the read, rate and review...



#4. Review Of "Shadow Speak" (nw) [Rated: E]

Review By: DanielHardin (16)
Date and Time: 02-04-06 @ 11:33am
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (3.5)
Review Length: 329 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

I thought this piece was good. For me the term "caption" did not fit. Everything else had a fantastic feel, but caption is too synonymous with modern technology. I like the allusion to the four elements, and almost a 5th, which could be the progression of time with reference to the birth and death of a day.

Max
REVIEW OF THE REVIEW: Actually; the fifth element is spirit, which is supplied by the magician within their magick circle...and ya wanna hear something funny? I wrote the lines "Release thy passions! Writing thee captions!" first. Those two lines are what inspired the entire epic rhyming verse prose. Thank you for your read, rate and review. It is very much appreciated.


My Feedback; My Received Reviews For
#1066822 - Shadow Speak

************************************************************************************************************************************************

Chapter Four
The Obstacles
Poem Twenty-Two

A Farewell Kiss

(for his time has come
to pay the reaper full sum)

As the portal opens wide
For me to enter then glide

Outside
or is that
inside?

The 4th dimension
of creation
White in blue
My dragon too.

For after surveying
The fields of battle
Watching mine enemy
Beaten; dismantled

There 'tis the force
That has no remorse
But gives and takes
Not chaos or mistakes

But a catalyst to cause
The dominos to fall
To consume
then resume

It's march of due
In fluorescent hues

Imploding
Exploding

My Athame branding hot
Penetrate it shall not

But begin
Widdershin

Directing thy inner spin
Into chaos from within

And outward
Once again

of thy soul

Pain ye will know
Above and below

Left and right
Day and night

Until ye become
Total in sum

thy own filty demon
Ferociously scream'in

From the depths of thy ego

Split in two
Until ye do

Until three
by three
by three

Are counted moons at night
And ye do what 'tis right

And only released when
Ye are truly cleansed

Thine own darkness
that now surrounds
Thine own foulness
progeny unbound

Leave ye shall
from our midst
We of three will
Blow ye a kiss

Goodbye!


Copyright:
MoonChild of GaeaDragonBlue

*******************************************************
REVIEWS

#1. Review Of "A Farewell Kiss" (nw) [Rated: 13+]

Review By: milkywayman (2)
Date and Time: 04-22-06 @ 9:27pm
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (4.0)
Review Length: 458 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

Hello DragonBlue (5)

This felt like a spell of sorts. For which I am not sure. But what I do see is that your soul has been hurt. But maybe not only that; another comes into the mix.

My words are thus
keep writing it down
expel it from your soul
for once gone
the pain will dissolve
but the memories
will not.
Tis harder to forgive
than to forget.

Milky

REVIEW OF THE REVIEW: Thank you for the read, rate and review, Milky. I appreciate your empathy and actually understanding the words instead of trying to decide what form I was using. Please do, review on!



#2. Review Of "A Farewell Kiss" (nw) [Rated: 13+]

Review By: Robert Pugh (a.... (3)
Date and Time: 02-06-06 @ 1:14am
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (3.5)
Review Length: 735 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

I just can't connect to this. A few things that stood out are the fact that you use Wiccan/pagan terminology that just doesn't fit. Another thing that doesn't work is the use of "ye" and "thy" this use of language only takes away from what could have been good. It seems as thought they were just place in the poem randomly to sound prominent. The last thing that stood out is the copyright at the bottom. This, as any editor will tell you, is a bold sign of an armature. By default, Writing.com provides you with a copyright that’s located at the bottom of your piece in a professional manner that only makes your copyright seem all the more amateurish.

Good luck, and keep writing.
Blessed be.

(REVIEW OF THE REVIEW: Your reviews do not tell me anything other than you are not reading my pens. Secondly, How much do you know about what a sole practitioner does or what a coven does for that matter. You most certainly do not have the enlightenment of one that seeks the light. This was written and posted on my personal site and it was neccessary to post with the copyright. So get over yourself already. I am a published Author and an Asst. Editor for a quarterly poetry magazine, are you? You need to be just a teenie, weenie bit more negative and condescending so that you can really review well. Keep reviewing!



#3. Review Of "A Farewell Kiss" (nw) [Rated: 13+]

Review By: Flower (in Lupu... (34)
Date and Time: 10-19-05 @ 11:09pm
Public/Private: Public
Reviewer's Rating: (3.5)
Review Length: 1,475 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

Hello DragonBlue (5)
Your poem "A Farewell Kiss"caught my attention tonight.

My Overall Impression:
I like the image you used with it.

GeneralComments
While poetry is an extremely personal form of expression, typically coming from our innermost thoughts, I rarely want to give much more than my opinion. I found your poem made me think. Something ppoetry rarely does. Usually, poetry makes me Feel.
I have a few reservations about the amount of rhyming. I think it was slightly overdone. However,
these are My opinions. Yours may differ.

There are areas I would have done in a completely different way. I thought about giving you these suggestions, but there were several suggestions and this would be a fairly drastic change in the format of the poem. Then, the poem would be mine, not yours.
If you are interested in my comments,
please email me.

My Rating:

1/2

Peace! Keep writing.
~flower~

REVIEW OF THE REVIEW:You are absolutely correct. This prose is mine, written by me, not yours, written by you. I really think you would have enjoyed it more if you would not have tried to fit it to form poetry. I don't write form poetry and have since reclassified everything but my acrostics to prose. By the way, why would you not want to think as well as feel?



#4. Review Of "A Farewell Kiss" (nw) [Rated: 13+]


Review By: *~* Celtic Lady *~* (7)
Date and Time: 10-05-05 @ 9:23am
Public/Private: Private
Reviewer's Rating: (4.0)
Review Length: 1,480 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

Dear DragonBlue,

This is an interesting poem, I like the way it tells a story. Your use of language is well done, but here's where I get critical (sorry :), it's what we're here for, right?)

"As the portal opens wide
For me to glide
Outside
or is that inside"

yep, you are absolutely correct.

The last line should probably have a question mark, since it is asking a question. I'm just a stickler for using the right punctuation, it's a fault of mine.

"For after surveying
The fields of battle
Watching you, the enemy
Beaten and dismantled"

I noticed that your lines have a rhyming scheme, some different. I wonder why you chose to break that with this verse?

It is all in how you read and ennunciate the word battle and dismantled. If you have a slight irish brogue accent, it works well!

"But a catalyst to cause
The dominos to fall
To consume
And resume"

The last two sentences I'm trying to think about. Could you maybe add more to the last line? Or did you intend them both to be two words?

to consume him, then resume on it's merry way

"Until ye become
Total in sum
Of thy own demon
Ferociously screm'in"

Should be an "a" in screamin'
Thank you very much for the correction, did not catch that one.

Otherwise, I enjoyed reading this. Your imagery is very good, it's a bit of fantasy with battle. These are just some ideas, you don't need to drastically rewrite it or anything. Keep writing, and good luck with those contests!

Enchantress

REVIEW OF THE REVIEW: Thank you for your excellent review of my work. I wish all who reviewed had the same sense of ethics. Please do reveiw on!




#5. Review Of "A Farewell Kiss" (nw) [Rated: 13+]

Review By: shoestories (2)
Date and Time: 10-05-05 @ 2:39am
Public/Private: Public
Reviewer's Rating: (4.0)
Review Length: 179 Characters
Review Follows: [Delete Review]

Hello Dragon,

Very interesting piece, and I really like the extras. They add that 'air' of this particular piece.

Good work!
shoestories

thank you.


My Feedback; My Received Reviews For
#1018594 - A Farewell Kiss
*****************************************************