My Life on a Plate

How to Write a Few Wrongs

I had quite a few smiles reading the following, submitted by a reader of one of our Newspapers. As serious writers I'm sure you'll find the advice invaluable.

Some tips for budding writers.

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. They're old hat.
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant)are(usually)unnecessary.
9. Also, too,never,ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary. It is highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalise.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. One word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be ignored.
19. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
20. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
21. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
22. Understatement is always the best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
23. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: 'I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.'
24. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it properly.
25. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
26. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
27. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
28. Who needs rhetorical questions?
29. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
30. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Apologies for the over-lengthy list - not mine.lol