Catching Idle Butterflies

Guilt Trips: Not the perfect vacation plan.

I can’t shut off my brain! This will be my second entry for today. This being secondmost on my mind, I couldn’t wait until tomorrow to add it. Foremost in my thoughts is my entry prior to this one. It pertains to the perfection (or not) of the Bible, and I welcome your thoughts on it. I’m sure you have much wisdom to share. Thanks!

Do you hate me now? Have I done something so rotten and terrible I will see nothing but your turned back, walking farther away, pausing not as I cry out your name?

Whenever impassioned discussions ensue, either started by me, or mere participation, afterwards, I can’t help but replay every word I spoke (or wrote), disseminating each word, comma, period, facial expression, gesticulation and thoughtful pause. I think, “Damn, I shouldn’t have done that, and saying that only shows the highest form of stupidity. Good Lord, why didn’t I keep my mouth shut? Now I’ve lost some very dear friends . . .”

A friend of mine, Wendy, and I discussed this very thing yesterday. She and I both do this to ourselves whenever we participate in a serious or controversial discussion.

We couldn’t decide if it’s because we’re so insecure, or self-absorbed.

Flip that coin. Let’s say I participated in an intense discussion. I don’t scrutinize everything my friend – or opponent – said and did for the next twenty four hours, if not longer. And if I don’t do that, why do I worry myself sick about everyone else wasting their time thinking about my every miniscule word and deed? More than likely they’re tearing apart their own words and actions the same way I am.

Truth is no one thinks about me as much as I do, so while insecurities come into play, I lean more toward self-absorption.

I’m terrified of being wrong, and worse, showing my wrongness to the entire world. I fear by not being perfect, I will never have friends. The moment a flaw pops out, I imagine the disgusted expressions, and then the turning away, never again to want to be in my presence.

See how it’s all about me?

Now that is disgusting.

However, as I’ve stated before, life is a journey. It’s not about achieving perfection, but learning and growing toward the only perfect being: God.

The only way that can happen is sometimes being wrong. We learn more from our mistakes than our successes, and God strengthens us in the midst of our weaknesses.

If I pretend to be perfect, if I don’t highlight my flaws, then I for certain lose my friends (and learn nothing).

They will see a fraud, and no one likes a fraud.