Catching Idle Butterflies

Weird Child

As a child, and especially a teenager, I took myself far too seriously. When my mom and my sister (usually at the same time) teased me, and merciless teasers they were, I never found the humor. I always felt they were making fun of me, not friendly teasing.

Even when they said, “We only tease because we love you,” I didn’t believe a word. I knew they teased me because deep down they hated me, and I would never be good enough.

I was also a weird child. I had a vivid imagination, and would pretend a lot. My family and my peers laughed at my antics. I took no humor in their laughter, either.

Only after I reached my twenties did I finally realize, yep, I’m weird. Seeing people laugh at me, well, that means I’m giving them a moment of joy, however unintentional. When I’m teased, I jump right in and join the fray, even when it annoys me.

I let go of my pride.

I’m amazed how freeing letting go of pride can be. I can be myself without fear. If someone makes fun of me out of genuine cruelty, I don’t much care. That’s their problem, not mine. Not being me hurts more than being me. It takes far more energy to be what I think others expect, energy wasted, because everyone can spot a fraud.

That’s not to say my pride and serious side don’t try to possess me. I have to fight them both all the time.

Take the last few days. The serious wants to at this moment apologize for talking about my new group once again. She thinks, “They’re tired of it, bored silly. You can tell by how your comments have dropped. Please, for their sake if not yours, talk about your dog, how the sky is blue, anything but that!”

But I won’t apologize. Sorry .

gypsy4evermore wrote about being depressed and wanting to quit when so close to reaching a life goal in "Invalid Entry" . She wasn’t sure why, because her feelings should have been the opposite.

The answers to her dilemma came from the comments. You should read them if you haven't yet. Muchly wise and uplifting words they are. We all go through those down times after we expend so much of ourselves in reaching our goals. We allow ourselves to relax and think. Too much, because we can now hear those horrid voices of doubt poke and stab at us so incessantly they wear us down.

After putting so much of me into the group, and with it now online, I’m inundated with internal ramblings of doubt and imminent failure. I have proof, too: None of my items have seen the activity I expected and hoped for.

Here’s where I get to laugh at myself.

Hello *pounds on noggin with empty coffee cup*! It’s been less than a week since I opened it up! So far, seven people have requested membership, people I’ve had little or no previous contact with. And guess what? They have lives to live, lives far more interesting and important than spending hours and days participating in a WdC group. After all, I don’t participate like that in the other groups I belong to, why should I expect differently from others? Sheesh. I need to take a chill. Anyone have a prescription for Chill Pills? I’m out.

When looking at it from that perspective, I’d say my own little emotional black hole is a mere depression in my path that I stepped in and stumbled a little. Hardly a failure, I’d say.

But that’s a mere part of my weirdness. Nothing too serious.

Have a great Sunday, all.

I wish I could peek into your blogs today, but I have to catch up on my Disciple lesson for tonight, write a little quiz for the first segment of my AutoCAD class, continue editing my manuscript, and take my turn on the campfire so it can move to the next person. Oh, and laundry! Can’t forget that. I don’t want a Limburger cheese odor permeating my house .