Mental Meanderings

Flights of Mindlessness

Ok, so blogging time has come and gone but nothing interesting wants to be written about. I'm suffereing from flights of mindlessness. It's not that I'm without mind really, it's that today I've been so focused on doing things that require the left brain (logic) that I can't seem to get a right brain switch happening.

That leaves me with nothing but logic and zero creativity. A real dilemma for someone who depends on her creativity. The good news is that I could help my daughter with some maths homework she did this morning. *chuckles* The bad news is that it was STILL challenging to do so. lol Year 2 maths and I'm finding it challenging. I always knew I was stupid.

Still, got a fair bit of nothingness done today. Nothingness because while it was good busy work it's not really getting me toward anything that I actually WANT in life. It's certainly nothing that ever has the potential of putting food into my kids bellies. Ultimately I'm starting to think perhaps I put too much time into the pursuits that help others rather than into things that help me.

Of course, I feel selfish thinking like that. Who cares that I spend most of my daytime hours doing things that aid others? It's not like I'd be writing if I weren't anyway. I have the time, 2 hours set aside every evening but instead I sit here mindless and twiddle with a halfassed attempt at blogging.

I'm starting to think I'll just have to get used to the idea that I'll return to bag packing and till clanging. It's something that at least brings in a steady paycheck that would leave me with more than the $5 that's currently in my bank account. *sighs* At least I do have bread and milk, if I'm careful it will last until I get a little more incoming.

I'm rambling nonsensically tonight. I want to write two poems but mostly my head just wants to turn off. Then of course I wonder why I bother writing poetry at all. I'd not really thought much of publishing any. I mean I've taken to submitting some ocassionally but I don't honestly think any of it will be published. I've tossed up the idea of a book of poetry but I struggle to create the poems that will go in that anthology. Perhaps that's what I should be focusing on at the moment when it comes to poetry. Completing that anthology. *sighs*

Strange how I go through these waves of misguidedness. I feel like I'm going in circles I've been through before. What happened to this whole "Road of Life" idea? Did someone stick me on a round-about that has no exits? I'll chug along in my run down, oversized heap and pass the turn of inspiration, into the turn of deflation, the turn of insecurity, the turn of uncertainty, round and round and round. Perhaps I'm on the carousel instead of the bumper cars.

Either way I want to get off now and start actually living a life instead of wearing myself into a ditch.