The Undiscovered Country

Big Hearts

I wrote in a previous entry ("Beware of Befriending Vampires" ) about why friendships scare me. I talked about jealousy whispering at me when a friend goes to someone else for council instead of me.

I refrained from mentioning an even deeper jealousy. This one doesn’t whisper, it screams. It still results from what I said about my friends going to others instead of me, but there’s more involved. This more virulent jealousy surfaces when I discover one friend shares an event or conversation on – oh, pick any subject – with another that he or she doesn’t share with me.

I feel left out, and fear I don’t matter as much to my friend as the other person does.

In a separate entry ("Little-Bacterium-Me" ) I talked about how God’s heart is big enough, he can love each of us as if we were the only person he had to love.

I also wrote once God gave each person a unique piece of who he is so we can find him easily in all of his creation. All we have to do is be open to the possibilities and observe.

He also gave every person something else: the capacity to love many. Sure, there are variations of love, as there should be. For instance, I am to love no man the way I love my husband, and I am to love no man, woman, or object the way I love God. Still, there is room enough in my heart to love some of my friends equally. If I have a big enough heart for two or more people, why should I assume my friends don’t room in theirs for me along with others?

Sure, they share things that remain between them, but I also have conversations and experiences that I’ve shared with one friend and no one else. That’s what makes every friendship unique and special, and creates treasured memories that last a lifetime.

Jealousy is often the byproduct of insecurity. In many ways I don’t see myself as loveable or worthy of strong friendships. In looking back, this attitude birthed when in junior high and high school my closest friends did ‘replace’ me with others. They even told me flat out I was unworthy of them.

Some people don’t have room in their heart except for a select few, but that’s their flaw, not mine. By assuming all my friends have little hearts, it not only insults them, but I allow petty jealousies to eat me up inside. If I let it continue, I may ruin what could potentially be life-long friendships I shouldn’t live without.